Why I will probably NEVER volunteer for an elementary field trip again...

          I am so thankful to be sitting on my couch. On my comfy couch, in my quiet living room.. No crazy distractions or anything.. Just me and my mind at ease.. The craziness that was my Thursday actually started last week. My youngest daughter had brought home a paper saying her first grade class was going on a field trip to a play then a picnic lunch. Not so horrible.. Then it happened.. Like a fool I checked the box that stated I would be more than willing to be a chaperone on this trip... After all, I hadn't gone with her on a trip yet. You have to understand the pleading look on my six year olds face when asking me.. "You can sit with me on the bus! Mom it will be so much fun!" and so on.. And though the possibility of me going insane probably did cross my mind (More than once..) I checked the box anyway and was met with an overjoyed hug and looks of total excitement. It felt good! The days went by.. My energy seemed to decrease steadily with each one.. and before I knew it, my alarm went off 15 minutes earlier than usual so I could get myself all ready to go instead of coming home after dropping them off at school like a normal day... I'm about to walk you through my day as a chaperone with a first grade class. The names I use aren't real but everything else.. Yes.. Quite. So, ready.. set.. here we go...
       
          The day started at 6:45am with a Halloween themed alarm. I swung my legs over the bed and inched myself to the upright position. I stared at the numbers on the clock for about a minute before deciding that I wasn't going to bail out of my commitment and just stay in bed. Instead I made my trip to the bathroom, pulled on my bigger sized jeans that I broke down and bought (Seeing as how buttoning my "normal" jeans isn't happening again anytime soon!) grabbed the rest of my clothes and sat in front of the circular lit mirror to apply my face. My daughter came in wanting me to help put in her pony tail and surprisingly she was all dressed and ready to go by 7am! I didn't feel that way at ALL! I looked at her smiling face and couldn't help but say "So.. You REALLY want me to go with you today?" She grabbed my hand and answered with "Yeeeeessssss Mom! I told you, you can sit with me and we'll have so much fun today! Now let's go!" I sent her to get her breakfast and spun back to the mirror. The glass reflected a not bad looking chick for so early in the morning, however.. I felt like the crypt keeper.. I turned the light off, pulled on my shoes, got myself some breakfast, made sure the bags and lunches were ready to go and then we were off. We walked my oldest daughter to her class before heading into the launch pad that would be my insanity tester.. We walked in and for the most part, everything was calm and cool. The teacher was doing her last minute scrambling and the kids were all sitting on the carpet waiting to get lined up to head to the buses. There was one other mother there with me to take on the mob of 22 first graders on this fine day. Apparently there was supposed to be one more, but her child was sick and so... Just the two of us.. That should have been my first clue on how the day was going to go, but no... The kids get in a line and we start to head out the door. Doing a final head count and getting the correct number (22) we were ready to head outside. We do.. In a nice orderly line we board the bus, kids file into their seats, I sit next to my daughter, the teachers are gathering the lunches and other stuff to load up and then, three bus loads later, we're ready to go. (Yes.. Three buses.. five first grade classes going on this trip...) It was a step up from a regulation school bus thankfully. This one had overhead storage and the best part.. AC!!! A teacher from another class stood up at the front of the bus and in her normal voice (seriously one of the quietest teachers I've ever heard..) she says this "We have to be quiet so the bus driver can concentrate ok? So right now we're at a level zero.. When we get to the main road we can go to a level one.. What is a level one everybody?" And the whole bus answers.. "Whispering." With that, she sat down, the bus started moving and not TWO BLOCKS out, kids are loud as hell! I asked my daughter.. "So, what's level zero?" She says "No talking". OK!!!! These kids were yelling.. talking crazy loud and being obnoxious... and NOBODY said anything!!! Level zero my ass!! Ok, quick sum up.. I'm in my sixth pregnant month.. On a bus.. with two first grade classes.. Being loud as ever.. two blocks away from the school.. with a total one way trip length of 40 minutes... God help me.... Of course what I WANT to say to all these children and what I CAN say are COMPLETELY different and so.. I keep quiet and talk to my daughter and the teacher with the occasional task of reminding close students to sit back, don't hit.. blah, blah, blah.... I can't help but look up into the mirror at the front and notice the driver is an old man easily in his upper 60's. How the hell can you do it? Will away the noise? Ear plugs? An excellent selective hearing process mixed with an awesome imagination? I could never... After 40 minutes and being stuck at quite a few LONG red lights.. We finally arrive! And apparently it's a first grade all around thing.. So our three buses fell behind about ten other buses from other schools.. WONDERFUL! We get off the bus and form a line. Slowly but surely we manage to find our way inside, up some stairs and then to the balcony seating where we will be watching the play. I sit on one end in the back row at the very top, the second mother sits one row down in the middle and the teacher sits up top on the opposite end as me. Clearly we have our own sections of kids to watch over.. I knew I had a GREAT selection when the boy next to me, we'll call him Johnny, looks down at the stage and then says to me "I thought we were going to see a movie!" Oh my.... The teacher had just walked by and a girl in front of me said, "I have to use the bathroom". This was Rose.. The teacher stood for a second and asked anyone else if they had to go and of course no one said anything so she took the one girl to use the bathroom before the show. ONE MINUTE after the teacher was gone, Johnny looks at me and says that HE has to use the bathroom. "Johnny, she just asked if anyone else had to go... why didn't you say something?' I got.. "I don't know.." AHHHHHHH!!! The teacher got back and the other mother was nice enough to take Johnny to the bathroom.. After about ten LONG minutes, the lights finally dim and the show is about to start. Before too long a whole cast came out singing and dancing with their little props. Most of the kids were getting into it from the beginning but I had that one girl to the corner in front of me who wouldn't stop bouncing on the edge of her seat looking everywhere BUT the stage. "Rose, you need to sit back in your seat ok hun? Watch the show." I'm met with a blank dull stare for what seems like five minutes before she finally turns around and controls herself.. For the most part. The second song wraps up (Yes, a musical....) and everyone claps. Well, ALMOST everyone claps. The boy next me, Johnny, puts his hands to his mouth and yells "BOOOOOOO!!!!" Really kid? Respect? No? Ok... I didn't want to snap and say anything but after the next song he proceeded to do the same thing and so I had to say, "That's not very nice Johnny. Those people practiced for a very long time so they could come out and do this for all of you. You don't have to like it but you can't be rude like that ok?" I got a "Yeah ok, I mean, Yes ma'am". Do you think he stopped after that? Of course not. Keeping my calm, I watch the show go on while occasionally scanning my area to make sure everyone is paying attention and not being crazy. A few undisturbed minutes go by and THEN.. Rose turns around to me and says "She hurt her finger. It hurts real bad." She says this as she points to the girl (Rachel) beside her. Rachel, the one in such horrible pain apparently, has her left pointer finger IN HER MOUTH sucking on it.. Ok well.... Yeah. Don't really know what to do with that. So I let it go.. Then I was told again.. I leaned down and asked what happened. Apparently she had a tiny scratch on it from between the seats.. HUH? Really? What I WANTED to say was get your finger out of your mouth, your finger is fine. See? No blood! But what I DID say was "Rachel, don't suck on your finger. Let's watch the rest of the show and we'll go to the bathroom to wash it when the show is done." I mean seriously? She kept her finger in her mouth for the remaining 25 minutes and honestly, I wasn't about to keep trying to stop her. After what seemed like forever the lights finally came back on and the show was over. It was a good thing too because the whole production was about 40 minutes long and the kids' concentration had been lost for the last 8 or so... While we waited for our bus numbers to be called before piling out of the theatre, this is what I heard all around me.. "I have to go to the bathroom.. I'm hungry.. When do we get to go to the park?.." And so on.. Oh yeah, the picnic lunch was to be eaten at a playground... Another good clue to the totally awesome fun I should've picked up on... Then my daughter says "Jenny is trying to fold my chair up and she's pulling on my necklace.." I look at the girl, Jenny, sitting next to my daughter and give her a quick eye that she must have picked up on because she looked forward and kept her hands to herself after that... We finally get out and into two lines of boys and girls and head to the bathrooms to be monitors... It was so packed and busy that I figured I didn't even have to go myself, I just had to get those kids in and out as quickly as possible. Ten minutes later, back to the bus.. While walking to the bus, a friend of my daughters (Liz) asked me about five times if she could sit with us on the way to the park.. "I don't know.. The seats pretty full already.." I was trying to be nice and say what I SHOULD instead of what I wanted because what I WANTED to say was "Seriously chick? I saw you sit with two other kids on the way here and you were jumping up and down, yelling every time you saw a squirrel and complaining about not having enough room!" But I didn't say all that... (The little me in my head was SCREAMING it... But that's all..) We get on the bus and thankfully the teacher sits her in a seat with another girl and we got to sit by ourselves... We made an unscheduled stop to check out the football stadium we just happened to be close to and that's when it hit me.. I had to use the damn bathroom! We got out, waited in line behind the other classes so that our class like every other one could get their picture taken with a statue of the mascot. While waiting, one of the not so still children (Max) started laying his head on a trash bin we were close to... I told him it was "yucky" and not to touch it. So he backed off it...for a minute.. Then went right back to it! Rubbing his hands all over it and putting his head on it! What the hell??? So I move the entire line ten feet AWAY from this thing just so he would no longer be tempted and thankfully the teacher saw and whipped out some hand sanitizer.. :/ We snapped the picture after waiting ten minutes (Everything we did had an average of a ten minute wait or MORE!) then walked through the bleachers to the opposite side of the stadium where the buses would pick us up.. Did I say I had to pee? Yeah.... After being instructed to watch their step and stay off the bleachers, of course two kids (including Max) jumped up and down on them causing one of them to slip and hit their knee.. I picked him by the hand and helped him "limp" the rest of the way through the bleachers while asking him questions to distract him. He wasn't hurt and by the time we were out by the buses, he was jumping and yelling again like he never fell... We got back on and Liz tried again to ask if she could sit with us... I avoided it by acting like I was making sure everyone had gotten on (even after the teacher did her successful count). I couldn't help but turn to my daughter and let her know that some kids are simply crazy some times. She smiled and we were off to the park. (Which was 15 minutes away..) The park was one that I had been to a few times thankfully and I KNEW it had a bathroom! We arrive, the bus parks and the teacher starts to lead kids off the bus. A simple (or SHOULD be simple) process of filing out one side to another from the front of the bus to the back... Oh Liz... She stayed in her seat to wait to get out with us even though there were five rows between us! The kids getting out stopped to let her out and she would wave them on, they wouldn't go... AHH!!! I try to say "Let's go guys keep moving.." and she STILL wanted to hang back. Finally... "Liz, just get in line and GO. We are ALL getting out, we are ALL eating lunch together  and we will ALL be there now lets go please." She finally moved... By now, on top of having to pee, I feel a justified headache coming on... GREAT! The kids get off the bus, we head over to the picnic spot and I break off heading to the bathroom... Hallelujah!! Feeling MUCH better, I go find my class (remember.. there are five classes total.. about 23 in each... yeah...) I find my daughter and another friend sitting on the sidewalk while the rest of the class is 60 feet away on the grass. The teacher comes over and explains to me that the other girl is allergic to grass. Being separated from the rest of the group for a few? SURE! I'll take it! The girls were eating and I grabbed one of the two granola bars I brought for my lunch and started munching. (I know, it's small.. But to save myself from having stomach issues or anything else.. I packed light!) Honestly I was totally happy and content to be in a somewhat quiet spot eating SOMETHING. Sure, I was craving an ice cold Pepsi like you wouldn't believe.. But I was working with what I had and it was alright for the time being. When I was thinking it was uncomfortable enough in my black T-shirt, sitting on the pavement in the direct 86 degree sunlight.. along comes Jenny.. Holding a full plastic grocery sack in one hand and pieces of a turkey sandwich in wadded plastic wrap in the other.. I didn't know what, but I just had this feeling there was something off about her. Probably just me being annoyed at this point in the day.. The teacher walks by and asks if it's ok if she joins us.. "Sure." I say even though it's not what I WANTED to say... She had this blank face on while she stares at me holding her stuff. The other two girls, like everyone else, are eating and this girl just stands there blankly staring at me. "Why don't you sit down and get started on your lunch ok?" She looks at me still and then says "I dropped this.." holding out her sandwich.. "Did you drop all the pieces or just a few? If you didn't drop them ALL, then start eating the ones you didn't drop." I swear she looked at me like I had seven heads AND was speaking Chinese! "But, I dropped them.. on the grass." Holy..... "Did you drop them ALL?" She held out her hand and then seeing as how they weren't even wrapped up..  two pieces fell to the ground. "Ok, why don't you throw the sandwich away then since it has fallen and keeps falling.. Do you have anything else you can eat?" She looks in her bag... two apple sauces, a bigger bag of Doritos, a bag of animal crackers and two squeeze juices... REAL NICE! I asked if she wanted to start with something good like the apple sauce.. Of course not, right to the chips.. Go nuts kid. Go freaking nuts... My daughter and the other girl finish their lunch and start to wander around playing tag and Jenny tries to do the same thing. "You need to eat Jenny, sit down until you finish ok? You need to hurry because those girls and everyone else are done or almost done and you've just started." Blank stare. Thankfully the teacher had walked by and she too told her again to sit and eat. This girl was getting on my nerves.. A few minutes later I take it upon myself to round up kids who need to use the bathroom. I tell the girls who have to go to get in one line and the boys in another. Rose (shockingly) wants to do her own thing. She grabs the back of my shirt and says "I'll just follow you". I say "Just stand in the line please." She says again WHILE still holding my shirt, "I'll just follow you to the bathroom." Grrrr.... "Rose, stand in line. I'm trying to figure out who all needs to go and if you follow me, then everyone will. Just stand and wait for us to go." Then when I go to let the teacher know, I notice she is off with the other mother and a boy.. A boy who is throwing up like crazy all over his shirt,, grass, and who knows what else.. WONDERFUL... I take the kids to the bathroom which of course was an ordeal itself (She cut in front of me, I don't have to go, he's pushing me...) but we'll skip it and move on... Along with OUR five classes at this park there were also two more buses from a different school who were already in the playground playing. So we had all of ours line up outside the gates so that the other school could get OUT before ours piled IN. Kids waiting in that line to get in reminded me of crazy shoppers waiting for hours outside stores on Black Friday... There was shoving.. they were yelling.. acting all.. well.. crazy! We finally tell them to go in once the other school was gone and holy shit.. It was like a riot broke out or something! Imagine a small playground with limited slides, swings and everything else.. Now add a HUNDRED children.. :/ Yeah.. The headache was coming quicker and stronger now for sure. In the thirty minutes they spent in there, there was pushing, screaming, yelling, jumping, hitting, chasing and who knows what else going on. I was ready to go. When it was time to line up for that last bathroom trip before getting on the bus, it was back to the usual "Don't do that.. be still... We'll go to the bathroom when everyone is ready..." and so on... Thankfully the sick boy stayed outside of the playground.. I don't know if it was the heat or what made him sick but I made sure to keep my distance just to be safe.. He wasn't going to be getting on the bus either.. We were supposed to leave the park at 1:15 (and make the 30 minute trip back to the school) but the teachers were talking about his mom going there to pick him up... We actually left at 1:25 after waiting for her to show up (another ten minute wait!). We got the 21 remaining whining, sweaty children on the bus and were off... My daughter chose the very last seat for us to sit in and the driver ended up taking a series of back roads to get back... a series of long and BUMPY roads.. So the baby got her first taste of a rough riding roller coaster, at least it felt like it to me. There were even times when MY butt flew off the seat... Yikes! Pulling into the school lot was like a kid running up to an ice cream truck.. I was so excited to be off the bus, done with the trip and away from the mobs of children! I was the last one off and the bus driver asked how I liked it.. "This right here is my favorite part!!!" and with that I got off and went inside the school. A few more ordeals came about when the kids had to change out of their trip shirts (All matching thankfully) with one bathroom and receiving popsicles (I want that color, no I want THAT color, I don't like this one...) but I overlooked all that and was able to get my daughter out of school ten minutes early. We went to grab my other daughter to make a mad dash before the bell rang and the halls flooded with all kinds of kids. We signed out at the office and then we were free! I was FREE!!! I had no idea we would be gone the ENTIRE school day for one thing and for another, I realized that being just about in my third trimester and going on small aged field trips.. DON'T MIX! My tolerance and energy levels are at a serious low these days!! And that was definitely a sanity test! The conclusion... Never would I ever be a teacher of that age group and especially a BUS DRIVER! Now I know why mine was always so mean... Hmm... Anyway, I held it together, my daughter had fun and was glad I went with her. That's what matters. Will I be signing up again ANYTIME soon? No.. No way! In fact Hell to the NO! But still... I didn't back out this time. ;) And I will keep it fresh in my mind to remind her when she puts on the sweet face to ask me again... Here's to a relaxing Friday where I have to do absolutely nothing... Ahhh..... -Super Mom