I won't even try to explain my absence. Life. That's all I can say without writing a book... Life... And as I sit at this screen typing this here and now while one of the worst headaches I've ever had tries to pierce through my skull.. That's all I can think about.. Life and a dream I had about it.. How I live.. How I've lived.. Things I've changed in order to be able to be a better version of myself. More responsible.. More capable.. More reliable.. Then I think of others in my life. In every aspect.. Friends... Family.. Some who will always view me differently.. Some who not only never let me crumble, but also never changed how they've viewed me. There are ones who support me, constantly. And ones who only reach out when they need things from me. I've discouraged people while I've inspired others.. I've become a liability where others find me even more valuable.. It's a crazy tilt a whirl.. Life. The worst part, is that I still feel like at times there is a heavy hammer over my head just waiting to fall and break me. It's like even though I try so hard, other people I know can be however they want and I can't say anything about their imperfection ways because I have no judgement platform to stand on. If anything, I'm standing in a hole looking up. Inching my way toward the surface but not yet out. Dreams.. Instead of babbling, I'll paint a picture for you of what my dream was, as close as I can that is... and maybe you'll grasp my babbling a little bit better..
I was walking down a sidewalk as the sun was setting. I was by myself listening to a song that I love. Ironically enough, I had listened to it repeatedly when life was at it's hardest point and I would cry listening to the words before I hit repeat. Now that those times are gone.. I blare it and sing along because now that I have a different perspective, it too has a different flow.. Anyway.. walking alone.. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something even though it was small in comparison to other things and suddenly, something hard and sharp hit my shoulder. I grabbed my shoulder and pulled a bloody hand away from the cut that now resided in my skin when I saw a sharp, pebble filled, jagged rock in front of me. Etched in the side of this pointy piece were the words "Not good enough". As I stood there with my shoulder stinging trying to figure out what I was looking at, another rock flew into the middle of my back with enough force to knock me down to my knees. The second rock had words too. "Because of you." With tears rolling down my cheeks, I stood up and turned around to see where they were coming from when I noticed a tall dark figure standing on a balcony of house that had appeared to be made entirely of glass. The glass glowed red against the sun and the silhouette of the creature on the balcony looked like a rigid monster. As I stared and cried, the thing bent down, picked something up and hurled it right at me. Another rock. I jumped out of the way before it could pierce my face. The rock said "Failure". I picked up all three rocks and felt fueled by pain and rage and all I wanted with every ounce of my being was to hurl the rocks back in its direction and smash the glass kingdom to pieces. Even though I wanted to... I didn't. I didn't believe the writings on the rocks but I knew that even though it stood in a glass house throwing stones... I lacked the right to throw them back. Instead I dropped them. The thing picked up another piece probably expecting me to run. I didn't. Instead, I took a step forward. Staring at it without so much as one blink. Another step. Then another. The arm of the beast that was up and ready to launch slowly crept down until it hung by it's side while I looked up at it while being as close to the balcony as I could be. "I could smash this house. I could eliminate everything you are. I could destroy you.. but I won't." With that, I turned and walked away. I was expecting a boulder to crush me from behind, but nothing else came. My tears had dried and I no longer felt the pain of my sore spots. I made it past where the stones were once piled but they were gone. I stood there for a moment and took a deep breath before turning around to stare at the thing once more. When I turned.. It was gone. The creature. The house. The only thing there was the still setting sun. I realized something as I stood basking in the warmth... Even though I have things that are nowhere near perfect about myself, I KNOW that and more importantly, I'M doing something. I cannot dwell on the imperfections of others, even if they do look at me through a very judging scope. I continued walking and listening to music while smiling..
I don't know any perfect people. I know some great people and I knew some great ones who have changed to other things.. But I can't let their rocks make me fall. I swear to you, sitting here and typing all of that made my head feel a LITTLE better. And makes the rest of me feel better too. Hopefully the next post won't make you think "WTF...?" But hey, it happens..
Have a good night.
-SuperMom
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