This is a little different today. My family and I went out for a great dinner with friends tonight and we had a lot of laughs and fun as usual. Before that though, my day had been just a little... off. I didn't know why really until sitting by myself in my living room for a minute. Did you ever have a sad or bad dream about someone you love and it doesn't hit you until days later, if at all? That's what caught up to me today I guess. So here it goes.. My sad dream...
My fathers father passed on fifteen years ago. It didn't seem like it was that long ago and at the same time.. It seems like forever. When I was younger, I would be over at my grandparents house all the time it seemed like. I thought it was funny that my dad and grandpa had the same first name and even though my dad did not like being called Junior (by me anyway..), my grandpa smiled about it. He was a hardworking, honest, caring man who was down to Earth and had this amazing pull to him. Playing with his tools in the garage, walking down the railroad while he told stories, even sitting on his lap and watching cartoons while we rocked. We should've had way more time with him. He should have been able to meet my husband and my daughters... Instead, he watches from above. I remember getting ready for one of my high school dances in his hospital room just so he could see me all dressed up. After that, when he was moved home, I gave him a prayer book I had received as a gift from people at church. I told him there was a prayer for every day and occasion and that he would like it more than me. I'll never forget the smile he had when I told him that... I was so not one who prayed all that much those days and the majority of prayers I heard about were my friends praying for concert tickets or the possibility of a sports car for their big sixteenth birthdays... He was one of my most whole hearted prayers. I never use to cry, about ANYTHING really until after he was gone. It took a piece of me... The thought that someone so GOOD could be gone just like that. I couldn't really fathom it.. I remember walking into the house that day. I wish I could go back and not go inside. It's a memory that is forever burned in my mind... It was too soon. I know that "everything happens for a reason" (at least that's what I hear) but it made me really realize that you just don't know what life has in store for you... Onto the dream...
***My husband and I were in a house for some kind of weird reunion. I couldn't tell you who half the people were that were there but apparently he knew some because he followed a group of three old veterans to one side of the house and settled down on a big red couch talking about wars and that kind of thing. Because that is very much NOT my kind of fun, I sat alone at a table that was across from the door. I was flipping through a magazine about crafty fall decorations when I saw one of my cousins walk in the door with who I assumed to be her husband. I waved and she waved back and then they headed toward the kitchen. A few minutes later, another cousin and her husband walk in. I continue flipping pages when I hear the door open again. I don't even bother to look up because I assume that whoever it was was going to be headed toward the kitchen as well. Then I heard both cousins talking to the new person.. I looked up and there he was.. My grandfather.. Who I hadn't seen in years.. I ran to him, speechless. First I stared.. I couldn't even help myself. Then I grabbed his hands. I could FEEL him. He was REALLY THERE! I put one hand on his cheek and he cupped his hand around mine as he smiled. My eyes burned. Even though they were welling up with tears, I felt that if I let myself blink, he would be gone. I could still hear my husband talking somewhere behind me. It was like I was in another dimension and he wasn't seeing me freak out. I didn't care. I brought my hand back down and held both of his again. Tears dropped and then streamed down my face leaving hot, wet trails down my cheeks. He didn't say anything but he kept that same sweet smile. His eyes seemed to be watery too but there were no tears. He looked at me like he knew exactly what I wanted to say before I even attempted to speak. Finally, I tried... "I have missed you so much. We all have missed you so very much. I dream about you all the time. I wish you could meet them. My husband and my girls. They would love you and I know you would love them too. How has it been so long..." I went back to staring and crying and crying and staring and gasping for breath. Eventually it was too much and my knees felt like they were going to buckle. He must have sensed it. He lifted both my hands to his face and kissed them before I let go and hugged him. I felt the soft pat of his hand on my back and then it rested on the back of my head. I felt like the whole house of people could be gawking at me right now and I didn't care at all. In that moment, he was there with me and there wasn't any person who could take that feeling away. When I was able to breathe somewhat normally, I lifted my head off of his shoulder and was stunned at what I saw. I was hugging my husband. It was now his hand on my head. He was looking at me desperately trying to figure out why I was so upset. I fell to the floor and he went with me taking me in his arms as I started crying again.***
THAT was the dream I woke up to. The clock read 3:52am and my chest was heaving. It took a while to get back to sleep and I was hoping that I could put myself back in the same dream. I didn't... My alarm (my daughter) woke me up at 5:49 and after a while I was in the routine of getting my older two ready for school. It slipped out of my mind.. Until this morning. This morning I was up at 6am (thank you baby girl for THAT) and once I got her settled with breakfast, it just hit me again. It had been so long... I guess the weird feeling, the long time sorrow thing, just wanted to stick with me today. I did my normal routine and kept my daughter happy of course but when I was by myself when she was napping.. Boom. I know this is everywhere (as in no, I didn't write it. Yes, you can google it and get a million things pop up..) but this may be my next tattoo... Always together, never apart.. Maybe in distance but never in heart... And part of that is for him. If I could live in that vivid dream again, I would and who knows.. maybe some day I will... It's just been a weird one.. Clocking out for the evening.. Good night. -Super Mom
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