Some fucking times.... 😦

I'm in a very weird place at the moment... It's an area that lingers between sad, blah and angry.. Full disclosure: I despise the holiday season. I'm not one that gets filled with the jollies and cheek hurting smiles probably because I've experienced so much of the shit side of it. The ungrateful, greedy, hurtful, horrible side. I used to love the idea of gift giving and receiving and now it's just never good enough. That however will be its own little story I'm sure soon... Being that December is only pretty much a day away, the mood is already starting to settle. It's not even THAT that has me in this... funk right now. It's people. Last year was honestly the worst year of my life. I'm still not ready to see the words on a screen and I apologize for that. Still.. With work and my own life, things just buckled and damn near broke me. I lived a way because I wanted to and thought I was fine. It wasn't fine. I got what I wanted, sure, but after all that... It was a bad year. Since then however, I've reformed myself. Completely turned around. I have flashbacks to what I felt back then... And the feelings alone terrify me. "Keep moving forward" I'd think. "Anything behind me is in the past" and so on. It works. For a while. I'm constantly reminded though. All the time. When I'm reminded by things, it's hard but not nearly as bad as when I'm reminded by people. I've changed so much and still, they have their ways. And frankly, it pisses me off. I would love to feel happy and jolly this time of year. I would love to call everyone I love and overload them with funny stories and precious memories that give me such holiday cheer but instead, I dread my phone ringing a good 70% of the time because I just KNOW I'll be reminded that they KNOW how I used to be and I couldn't possibly have changed. FUCK YOU. What I want for Christmas this year is for those ALL KNOWING people to leave me alone. I don't give a shit about gifts, or money, or anything you can send to make yourself look good or feel better. I'm just so tired guys. I'm so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time and making everyone else happy just to feel... like THIS. While I raise my children, there are some things I refuse to do. I will not be their absolute non-mom best friend. The world is too fucked up these days for that. I will not let them do whatever they want. It doesn't always work like that in the real world so why give them a false light and mega freedom? And lastly, I will not give my children the world. Even though I want to, I refuse. My kids will leave my house KNOWING that the world doesn't owe them a God damn thing. They will understand that anything worth having, has to be worked for, earned. I want them to be decent, hard working, REAL people instead of self absorbed, undeserving, mean little assholes I see all over these days... They will make mistakes. Hopefully theirs won't be all that crazy. But I understand that they will make them. I know I'm judged. All the time... My hair... tattoos... piercings.. clothes.. attitude.. I go for so long looking past those idiots but some times... Some times they need to be reminded of just how ridiculous they are. I don't know any perfect people. That's because the phrase "perfect people" is an oxymoron. It doesn't make sense because it doesn't exist. I'm nowhere near perfect. I'm borderline insane most days but I am living in a better place now that I've changed. I haven't quite reached the top of the hill but I'm going in the right direction. Just typing this out has helped me strap back on my armor of steel and sarcasm... I need to keep letting things roll off of me. I am my strongest anchor.. No one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them the power to do so. I guess at the beginning of this, my lid was popped and the shit was just too much to push back down. Now that it's out... I can honestly say I feel a lot better. This one has been a roller coaster for you I'm sure. I'm so sorry. Trying to juggle numerous things bundled with the wife/mom role AND my serious contempt for the holidays... it was just a matter of time before I had a mini meltdown. While we're still in the positive light... I'm going to close this bitch out! :) (Before another random dam bursts... can't be too careful... I told you, I'm borderline insane most days..) Thank you so very much for not only clicking on this story but for holding on to the end. Hopefully tomorrow will be more exciting. :) Good night everyone..

-SuperMom

AYTF

Good morning. It's 5:50 am, 38 degrees and dark outside, my toddler is taking up most of my bed and to top it off... I have know I idea why the HELL I'm sitting here typing words instead of trying to sleep until my alarm goes off TWO HOURS from now! Some people say you have the most clarity as soon as you wake up... Those people.. are idiots. But, since I AM here, let's talk.
       Yesterday I was scrolling through old stories on here like I sometimes do and saw the highest read story... The remaining hospital days from when my youngest daughter (the now bed hogging toddler) was born. It's crazy, but as I read that very long post, I was taken back to those moments. The heart ache. The despair. The agonizing feeling of not KNOWING. When I left my hospital stay after the usual two days, I left alone. My daughter, being born a month early and just ten days before Christmas, had to stay behind. It was saddening, scary, and nothing I've ever felt before. Until now. I wrote a post on Facebook dedicated to my best friend. She's always in my heart and mind and I knew that it would make her smile when she woke up at 4:30 this morning for work if she saw it. I believe it worked. Have you ever wanted to give someone something that would make that person so unbelievably happy that they'd both laugh and cry? To brighten every day for them because you know that they need it and deserve it. How about this, have you ever been close enough to someone to feel what they feel? Be it happy... sad... devastated.? That's a real thing. Without getting into all of it and removing the scab, I will just say that someone near and dear to me went through something awful. I was with her for every part. From surprised.. pure joy.. caution.. worry.. sorrow. I felt the rainbow of emotions as she did (Yes I'm aware it's not the SAME for both of us). All I wanted to do is give her the world. The happiest most gentle spirit I've ever known was no longer happy. Do you know how crushing that is? VERY! I try like hell to be the best version of the friend I can be. To be unlike other people and make her laugh instead of keeping her in the sadness. Thankfully, I do a pretty good job I think. Though being insane and chaotic may also help... I already KNOW this, but the whole experience just magnified the thought. This is my best friend and my sister. I think if we were both in a Jigsaw trap and I needed to cut off an arm to set her free, I would do that. I mean it would SUCK afterwards... But I would. Crazy right? What's amazing to me is that this person came into my life years ago and has BEEN THERE ever since. She is a part of my life. A stranger met by chance in a sucky work place. The more we talked, the closer we got. We never went backwards. She was there for me when I had to leave the hospital without my daughter. She watched my kids so I could do a job. She has sat through SO MANY horror movies simply because she knows I love them. (She on the other hand... does not love them..) Amazing. Some times I think of how different my life would be if we'd never met. Well I try. It never works. She has been a part of SO MUCH that I seriously can't imagine life without her. What I'm going to leave with is this... If you have a friend like this in your life, make sure you treat them how they treat you. Don't let it turn into some one sided convenience. Make sure that you give as much as you receive. If you don't, one of the lights in your life could go out for good. I don't know about you, but I am thankful I'm not stuck in the dark. AYTF. (Appreciate your true friends). 

For those who haven't read The Remaining hospital days post I mentioned, take a look! Have a great Saturday everyone!

-SuperMom

OMFG GUIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLT

If there is one thing I cannot STAND about being a wife/mom, it's feeling guilt. I am doing a job that has no "off switch", I say the words "Thank you" and "I'm sorry" more than everyone I know put TOGETHER. I weigh the decision to buy myself things even if it's something necessary like SHAMPOO or CHAP STICK. People complain about things they lack and things like dinner so I ask, CONSTANTLY, "What would you like?" and "Do you need me to pick you up anything?" in which cases I'm usually met with something similar to "Eh, whatever" or "No, I'm good".  I clean my house more in a WEEK than a cat licks his ass in a MONTH. My shopping list "splurges" are when necessities like toilet paper and laundry detergent need to be replaced. I pay the bills, get groceries, handle all school associated crap including rides, I have to bitch out people when something goes wrong with a bill or service, cook most of the meals, clean, etc. You know when I get a break in the day? When my oldest kids are in school and my toddler takes a nap. Do you know when that is? NEVER. She stopped taking naps almost a year ago! Debt... Guilt's bitch of a mother. I HATE hearing about debt. But now and then, it happens. When it DOES happen, it brings to mind that something has to change, more has to go there or here, etc. The whole mood drags onto my already dragging day creating a nightmare like enigma that just won't LEAVE ME. Are we in trouble? No. Would it be nice to find a dead rich guy with millions of dollars on his person so we could wipe off every debt we had? Well sure! But sadly, I HAVEN'T FOUND THAT GUY YET. So now, the day after "splurging" on myself to get a haircut, I'm left here feeling this ANNOYING, NAGGING, RIDICULOUS feeling of GUILT. Justified? FUCK NO! I run around this place among others all day every day doing everything and anything that needs to be done for EVERYONE else in my family and I CAN'T STAND the thought of guilt drizzling down my already psychotic days! You know what I do when life gives me lemons? I sure as HELL don't start making lemonade. No, no, no... Instead, I take the whole bag or barrel of lemons and start chucking them RIGHT BACK INTO LIFE'S FACE! I have enough going on, I don't need you and YOUR DAMN LEMONS! As my blood pressure fades back to normal.... I have to remember a few things when I start to feel like I'm doing life all wrong... The main thing I have to remember is, where the FUCK would everyone be if I wasn't here. Boom. Check to the mate. Done. I will be marked a Bad mom. I drain myself of everything I have to make sure that everyone else's world spins ever so perfectly and so, NEVER AGAIN will I EVER feel this "guilt". It's a bad habit. One that is over. Why? Because it's ridiculous. And most importantly, on any given day, I probably think the same things as at LEAST 30 million other wife/moms and so from now on, when I have those moments of near insanity or rage, I will close my eyes and toast a make believe glass of wine to those others feeling the exact same way. I love you wife/moms out there. Keep your heads up. Spirits too (both feelings and actual drinks if you have them!) You're never alone out there. Until next time everyone...

-SuperMom