Some fucking times.... 😦

I'm in a very weird place at the moment... It's an area that lingers between sad, blah and angry.. Full disclosure: I despise the holiday season. I'm not one that gets filled with the jollies and cheek hurting smiles probably because I've experienced so much of the shit side of it. The ungrateful, greedy, hurtful, horrible side. I used to love the idea of gift giving and receiving and now it's just never good enough. That however will be its own little story I'm sure soon... Being that December is only pretty much a day away, the mood is already starting to settle. It's not even THAT that has me in this... funk right now. It's people. Last year was honestly the worst year of my life. I'm still not ready to see the words on a screen and I apologize for that. Still.. With work and my own life, things just buckled and damn near broke me. I lived a way because I wanted to and thought I was fine. It wasn't fine. I got what I wanted, sure, but after all that... It was a bad year. Since then however, I've reformed myself. Completely turned around. I have flashbacks to what I felt back then... And the feelings alone terrify me. "Keep moving forward" I'd think. "Anything behind me is in the past" and so on. It works. For a while. I'm constantly reminded though. All the time. When I'm reminded by things, it's hard but not nearly as bad as when I'm reminded by people. I've changed so much and still, they have their ways. And frankly, it pisses me off. I would love to feel happy and jolly this time of year. I would love to call everyone I love and overload them with funny stories and precious memories that give me such holiday cheer but instead, I dread my phone ringing a good 70% of the time because I just KNOW I'll be reminded that they KNOW how I used to be and I couldn't possibly have changed. FUCK YOU. What I want for Christmas this year is for those ALL KNOWING people to leave me alone. I don't give a shit about gifts, or money, or anything you can send to make yourself look good or feel better. I'm just so tired guys. I'm so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time and making everyone else happy just to feel... like THIS. While I raise my children, there are some things I refuse to do. I will not be their absolute non-mom best friend. The world is too fucked up these days for that. I will not let them do whatever they want. It doesn't always work like that in the real world so why give them a false light and mega freedom? And lastly, I will not give my children the world. Even though I want to, I refuse. My kids will leave my house KNOWING that the world doesn't owe them a God damn thing. They will understand that anything worth having, has to be worked for, earned. I want them to be decent, hard working, REAL people instead of self absorbed, undeserving, mean little assholes I see all over these days... They will make mistakes. Hopefully theirs won't be all that crazy. But I understand that they will make them. I know I'm judged. All the time... My hair... tattoos... piercings.. clothes.. attitude.. I go for so long looking past those idiots but some times... Some times they need to be reminded of just how ridiculous they are. I don't know any perfect people. That's because the phrase "perfect people" is an oxymoron. It doesn't make sense because it doesn't exist. I'm nowhere near perfect. I'm borderline insane most days but I am living in a better place now that I've changed. I haven't quite reached the top of the hill but I'm going in the right direction. Just typing this out has helped me strap back on my armor of steel and sarcasm... I need to keep letting things roll off of me. I am my strongest anchor.. No one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them the power to do so. I guess at the beginning of this, my lid was popped and the shit was just too much to push back down. Now that it's out... I can honestly say I feel a lot better. This one has been a roller coaster for you I'm sure. I'm so sorry. Trying to juggle numerous things bundled with the wife/mom role AND my serious contempt for the holidays... it was just a matter of time before I had a mini meltdown. While we're still in the positive light... I'm going to close this bitch out! :) (Before another random dam bursts... can't be too careful... I told you, I'm borderline insane most days..) Thank you so very much for not only clicking on this story but for holding on to the end. Hopefully tomorrow will be more exciting. :) Good night everyone..

-SuperMom