Dear "Stranger"

Dear "Stranger",

I'm writing you to fill in some questionable gaps you may have or may be wondering about. For starters, I write a blog. Granted, I've been slacking more than writing it lately, it's still a thing of mine.  Feel free to go back to previous posts and get your fill of madness that is my time. As you know, I have three kids but we'll get to that in a few. Like I told you, I am not mad that we lived apart as it would've most definitely changed my present. The life I have now is a gift in itself aside from the things we do actually have common. Obviously I can't replay EVERY event or memory for you, but I can give a good little run down. Keep in mind, you do NOT need to read this whole thing in one sitting. First, here are some things I love...

The beach, margaritas, Pepsi, being tan, shopping, Game of Thrones, pumpkin spice anything, horror movies, video games, being the boss, photography, Walking Dead, Halloween, sleeping, hot tubs, KFC, Samsung, painting, dessert, Bob's Burgers, comfy clothes, boots, black purses, the color black in general, tree swings, spa days, silver jewelry, chocolate, Dallas Cowboys, slot machines, creepy stuff, Stephen King, wine, personalized gifts, roller coasters, Tim Burton and music. (Of course there are many many more things but this seems like a good jumping off point)

The beach... When I moved away from home, it was first to North Carolina. We were 10 minutes from a small little inlet to the ocean. It wasn't that wonderful and so we'd always make the trip (45 minutes) to the actual ocean beaches. Every time, we'd pass a huge shore store where the entrance was inside a giant shark. I loved body boarding. It was always somewhat nerve pinching while you were sitting on the board just bobbing further and further away from the land... Not knowing what was swimming near or under you while you waited for any kind of wave to take you back to the sand. I've only seen a shark once but that was at the crappy beach and thankfully, we were just walking on the docks... Back to the good beach. We have seen many crabs, washed up jelly fish, even a rotting sea turtle once. (Yeah, pretty gross... poor thing..) I've scooped up SOOOO many shells AND shark teeth. That's my favorite thing to hunt for at the beach.. shark teeth.. Amazing creatures to me. There was one time body boarding that scared me though... My husband and I were out in the water at the same time. Side by side until he drifted behind me. The wave was coming, I was ready. I thought that I had caught it and he had missed it BUT instead... he was ABOVE me. Yes, the wave he caught was taking him over my head... and then it crashed on top of me. My board got stuck in nose first in the sand and because I was attached to the board by my wrist, my body wriggled like a caught fish while the tidal waves rolled over me. I tried like hell to claw the strap off of my wrist but I was stuck and sucking in salt water the entire time. It burned and hurt. Eventually I was able to get free and shoot out of the water finally gasping for air... The scariest part... I was 5 months pregnant with our first daughter at the time... That was the last time I got on a board for a while. I love everything else about the beach (except the way my hair feels after I get out of the water.. gross...) but I will always remember that one day I could have drowned...

Margaritas... Can't say TOO many bad things about this. I mean... they're fucking delicious! Frozen peach is my all time, hands down favorite. Frozen strawberry is probably second and then good ole lime. God it sounds so good right now... There are all kinds of drinking stories but who doesn't have a ton of those...

Pepsi... Yeah. Regular.. None of that diet shit. Diet Pepsi is LIKE Pepsi... If that Pepsi has been shaken for 10 minutes and left out in a car for 3 days... YUCK!

Being tan... yeah yeah.. I've been to the tanner... cooked myself in the sun. I love it. It's not nearly a high priority to me these days but.. a good tan covers up a lot of flaws you know? Almost like a semi permanent foundation ALL over. Ahhh... yeah... Sadly, I'd probably outshine Casper these days.. yikes... This is making me sad, moving on... lol.

Shopping... What girl doesn't like shopping? Shopping in my twenties got me in a lot of trouble. Big. You'd be amazed (at least I was) at how many stores and companies were willing to just GIVE me credit cards. Like.. A lot of them! Want something? Don't have the cash? Just slide THIS! Cha-Ching! And then... interest... credit scores.. limits.. I know I'm not the only person to fall into the hideous gap of credit card misuse and debt... It still sucks. All that stuff.. If I had just waited, I could've had the stuff AND more vacations but instead... interest... I'm happy to report (not like a YAY! HAPPY but.. a responsible type "Happy") that I am now a reformed shopaholic who has quite a few cards GONE. I'm still working (HARD MOST DAYS) but I feel so much better. So much more like a (brace yourself..) "responsible adult". So yeah... shopping....

Game of Thrones... WHOA... Here we go... I don't know if you watch it but let me just say.. if you don't do it... DO IT! I was one of those people for the longest. I'd hear people ALL THE TIME gab about GOT and I was always like "and...?" Finally, after it had been out for five seasons, I decided to sit down and watch the very first episode... Meh. That was it. Nothing GRIPPED me to immediately turn on the second... I turned the TV off and went outside. However... Three weeks later on a cold, rainy, shitty, nothing to do kind of day there happened to be NOTHING on TV whatsoever and so I decided... why not. Done. I watched two episodes without my husband and I was HOOKED! I made myself stop so I didn't jolt too far ahead of him. He was iffy about it because, like me, there was no major HOLY SHIT factor for him. I begged him to watch and thankfully.. BOOM! HOOKED! We blasted through season after season... Addicted. Tyrian, FAVORITE! I finally got what all the fuss was about and was now able to jump right in to random surrounding GOT convo's going on around me. AMAZING. Seriously, watch it.

Pumpkin Spice... The list goes on... Candles, sprays, desserts, shakes. It's all good. GOOOOOOOOOOOD... I love me some pumpkin season!

Horror movies... So, to be honest, I love scary movies. The problem.. There aren't any... I don't know if it's because I'm THAT numb to it or what but they're all pretty predictable or very try hard and lame. Even still... There are several that still get my approval. Old school slashers of course and psychological thrillers.. good stuff.

I hope this gives you a tiny glimpse into someone you're sure you don't know. We'll wrap it up for now. If you would like to know more... you know how to ask.

-SuperMom  (Just another face on the street..)

Some fucking times.... 😦

I'm in a very weird place at the moment... It's an area that lingers between sad, blah and angry.. Full disclosure: I despise the holiday season. I'm not one that gets filled with the jollies and cheek hurting smiles probably because I've experienced so much of the shit side of it. The ungrateful, greedy, hurtful, horrible side. I used to love the idea of gift giving and receiving and now it's just never good enough. That however will be its own little story I'm sure soon... Being that December is only pretty much a day away, the mood is already starting to settle. It's not even THAT that has me in this... funk right now. It's people. Last year was honestly the worst year of my life. I'm still not ready to see the words on a screen and I apologize for that. Still.. With work and my own life, things just buckled and damn near broke me. I lived a way because I wanted to and thought I was fine. It wasn't fine. I got what I wanted, sure, but after all that... It was a bad year. Since then however, I've reformed myself. Completely turned around. I have flashbacks to what I felt back then... And the feelings alone terrify me. "Keep moving forward" I'd think. "Anything behind me is in the past" and so on. It works. For a while. I'm constantly reminded though. All the time. When I'm reminded by things, it's hard but not nearly as bad as when I'm reminded by people. I've changed so much and still, they have their ways. And frankly, it pisses me off. I would love to feel happy and jolly this time of year. I would love to call everyone I love and overload them with funny stories and precious memories that give me such holiday cheer but instead, I dread my phone ringing a good 70% of the time because I just KNOW I'll be reminded that they KNOW how I used to be and I couldn't possibly have changed. FUCK YOU. What I want for Christmas this year is for those ALL KNOWING people to leave me alone. I don't give a shit about gifts, or money, or anything you can send to make yourself look good or feel better. I'm just so tired guys. I'm so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time and making everyone else happy just to feel... like THIS. While I raise my children, there are some things I refuse to do. I will not be their absolute non-mom best friend. The world is too fucked up these days for that. I will not let them do whatever they want. It doesn't always work like that in the real world so why give them a false light and mega freedom? And lastly, I will not give my children the world. Even though I want to, I refuse. My kids will leave my house KNOWING that the world doesn't owe them a God damn thing. They will understand that anything worth having, has to be worked for, earned. I want them to be decent, hard working, REAL people instead of self absorbed, undeserving, mean little assholes I see all over these days... They will make mistakes. Hopefully theirs won't be all that crazy. But I understand that they will make them. I know I'm judged. All the time... My hair... tattoos... piercings.. clothes.. attitude.. I go for so long looking past those idiots but some times... Some times they need to be reminded of just how ridiculous they are. I don't know any perfect people. That's because the phrase "perfect people" is an oxymoron. It doesn't make sense because it doesn't exist. I'm nowhere near perfect. I'm borderline insane most days but I am living in a better place now that I've changed. I haven't quite reached the top of the hill but I'm going in the right direction. Just typing this out has helped me strap back on my armor of steel and sarcasm... I need to keep letting things roll off of me. I am my strongest anchor.. No one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them the power to do so. I guess at the beginning of this, my lid was popped and the shit was just too much to push back down. Now that it's out... I can honestly say I feel a lot better. This one has been a roller coaster for you I'm sure. I'm so sorry. Trying to juggle numerous things bundled with the wife/mom role AND my serious contempt for the holidays... it was just a matter of time before I had a mini meltdown. While we're still in the positive light... I'm going to close this bitch out! :) (Before another random dam bursts... can't be too careful... I told you, I'm borderline insane most days..) Thank you so very much for not only clicking on this story but for holding on to the end. Hopefully tomorrow will be more exciting. :) Good night everyone..

-SuperMom

AYTF

Good morning. It's 5:50 am, 38 degrees and dark outside, my toddler is taking up most of my bed and to top it off... I have know I idea why the HELL I'm sitting here typing words instead of trying to sleep until my alarm goes off TWO HOURS from now! Some people say you have the most clarity as soon as you wake up... Those people.. are idiots. But, since I AM here, let's talk.
       Yesterday I was scrolling through old stories on here like I sometimes do and saw the highest read story... The remaining hospital days from when my youngest daughter (the now bed hogging toddler) was born. It's crazy, but as I read that very long post, I was taken back to those moments. The heart ache. The despair. The agonizing feeling of not KNOWING. When I left my hospital stay after the usual two days, I left alone. My daughter, being born a month early and just ten days before Christmas, had to stay behind. It was saddening, scary, and nothing I've ever felt before. Until now. I wrote a post on Facebook dedicated to my best friend. She's always in my heart and mind and I knew that it would make her smile when she woke up at 4:30 this morning for work if she saw it. I believe it worked. Have you ever wanted to give someone something that would make that person so unbelievably happy that they'd both laugh and cry? To brighten every day for them because you know that they need it and deserve it. How about this, have you ever been close enough to someone to feel what they feel? Be it happy... sad... devastated.? That's a real thing. Without getting into all of it and removing the scab, I will just say that someone near and dear to me went through something awful. I was with her for every part. From surprised.. pure joy.. caution.. worry.. sorrow. I felt the rainbow of emotions as she did (Yes I'm aware it's not the SAME for both of us). All I wanted to do is give her the world. The happiest most gentle spirit I've ever known was no longer happy. Do you know how crushing that is? VERY! I try like hell to be the best version of the friend I can be. To be unlike other people and make her laugh instead of keeping her in the sadness. Thankfully, I do a pretty good job I think. Though being insane and chaotic may also help... I already KNOW this, but the whole experience just magnified the thought. This is my best friend and my sister. I think if we were both in a Jigsaw trap and I needed to cut off an arm to set her free, I would do that. I mean it would SUCK afterwards... But I would. Crazy right? What's amazing to me is that this person came into my life years ago and has BEEN THERE ever since. She is a part of my life. A stranger met by chance in a sucky work place. The more we talked, the closer we got. We never went backwards. She was there for me when I had to leave the hospital without my daughter. She watched my kids so I could do a job. She has sat through SO MANY horror movies simply because she knows I love them. (She on the other hand... does not love them..) Amazing. Some times I think of how different my life would be if we'd never met. Well I try. It never works. She has been a part of SO MUCH that I seriously can't imagine life without her. What I'm going to leave with is this... If you have a friend like this in your life, make sure you treat them how they treat you. Don't let it turn into some one sided convenience. Make sure that you give as much as you receive. If you don't, one of the lights in your life could go out for good. I don't know about you, but I am thankful I'm not stuck in the dark. AYTF. (Appreciate your true friends). 

For those who haven't read The Remaining hospital days post I mentioned, take a look! Have a great Saturday everyone!

-SuperMom