Why can't I F-ING sleep?

For years I've been someone who dreams rather vividly at times. It doesn't matter if the dream is good... bad.. weird.. sad.. More times than not I am very much a part of what is happening even if I'm not IN it. Lately I've been having weird sleeping interruptions. I go to bed at 12am, wake up at 3 to pee and lie there for 40 minutes trying to find the right position, temperature, breathing rate.. It hasn't helped that I've had some sad and scary dreams within the few hours I am able to keep myself asleep. "Don't eat after 8pm" I've heard... Tried that, don't buy it. "Never watch creepy things before bed" To be completely honest, I swear I sleep BETTER after watching some kind of psychotic creep show or horror movie. Maybe that satisfies the inner mental person, I don't know. "Go to bed early" Well... here's the problem with THAT logic. My days are filled with random work tasks, getting ready for my kids to go back to school, getting my toddler ready to one day GO to school and everything else. By the time "bed time" swings around (finally) that is what I call my "ME TIME". Where I can take a bath.. read a book... watch a show NOT produced by Disney.. play a video game.. NOT answer 17,000 questions.... It's MOM time. I think I try to get the most out of it which causes me to get less sleep which eventually screws with the sleep I do get... But you would think if I'm going to bed late and having to wake up early, I'd be EXHAUSTED by the end of the day and eventually just crash... Right? Some times I make myself go to bed earlier. Not very often but still.. On those nights though I usually get the weird stream of dreams or the need to wake up for the bathroom or a drink. Never at the same time of course. Last night I had a sad a dream and after waking up, found out it wasn't that far off. That has messed with my mind a little bit all day. I've tried to distract myself by doing things with my kids and even doing some Halloween stuff which helped but I'm now left kind of blah.. And here it is.. soon to be bed time.. Will I go to sleep? Nope. Why? I don't want to fall into a messed up sequence. I really wish I could bring myself to sit my fucking ass at this screen like I've set out to do so many times and put it all in here.. The goings on of the day.. dreams.. nightmares.. chaos.. happiness... My life. Another thing I think about during my me time that doesn't help me fall fast asleep. I just needed a moment to get blurb out of my head and onto this page. So many great ideas.. Why the hell can't I just do them all.. Have a good night everyone. I will sit down with my first bit of caffeine today and chill I think. (I know... "No wonder you can't sleep....") I hope you all do the same. Until next time.

-Super Mom

What are you afraid of?

I wonder about this question all the time when I people watch. It could be in the middle of a busy store... Or watching a random runner jog by at the park.. I know that everyone is afraid of something. Even if you say you're not... in one way or another.. You know you are. It could be the dark that frightens you. But I go beyond that. "The Dark" is so vague and full of possibilities dealing with frightening things but.. what is it exactly about the dark.. The fact that your vision is skewed? The thought of something standing there watching you just out of sight? Maybe it's the noises  IN the dark... The rustle of dead leaves.. Branches crunching steps behind you.. The growl of an animal you know isn't yours maybe? Maybe some people just need light. Almost like the logic switch in their brain turns off when the sun goes down. I love the dark. The quiet that usually accompanies it. Sure, off putting noises make eye brows raise some times... But that adds to the mystery. Seeing things.. if you're lucky (or in some cases, not so lucky) your mind pairs with your eyes and plays tricks. I don't find it particularly scary but.. I can see how it would be for some. There's an absolute comfort in the night for me. The moon is a well earned token after a long day... The air is calm and cool.. The world puts parts of itself to sleep while other parts roam free.. It's crazy to think how different people can be. I know of people who wouldn't even dream of stepping outside after nightfall. They could be reading this and thinking I'M crazy right now while others feel the truth in every word. Some people hide fear so well. It honestly fascinates me. The world has become SO fearful these  days.. I remember when the big fears were things like: the dark, tight spaces, water, clowns, heights, death... Nowadays.. damn near EVERYTHING has an official "phobia" linked to it.. For example... Sidonglobophobia. Sounds crazy right? It's the fear of cotton balls...  Or this.. Fear of long words. Wanna know what THAT phobia is? Take a breath... Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. Okay, that WORD is somewhat terrifying because... DAMN. But the fear? Really? I know that fears can come from problems in life too, not just things both real and.. well, like that last one. I understand people having those kinds of fears. Guy loses his job, possibility of losing his house.. That's scary shit. But being afraid of say... CHINS?!? (Geniphobia by the way, yes, sadly.. it's real..) Come on people... What the hell makes people afraid of a chin? Maybe they had John Travolta in mind.. maybe that's just too much? I can get not loving them but seriously. See, I think of things like that and then think.. If this chick is afraid of a chin, should she also be afraid of the dark? There could be a Jay Leno knock off lurking behind the bushes at night just waiting for her..  I don't know..  How do you know when your deep thoughts turn into real fears? Is it after thinking the same thing for so long? To be afraid... I guess life wouldn't be quite the same if we weren't afraid of some things.. Pleasantville was boring before color.. Just like this world would be without fear.. I may come back to this one.. The thought of it does intrigue me so... Have a great night everyone.. Going to check out the moon.. You know, in the dark... ;)

-SuperMom

Yeah, bitch. (1)

Lately I've been getting lost in life. I work to be ten steps ahead only to reach five of those before I  fall back to two steps behind. This year was going to be the year of positive change. I started so over the top convinced that I could make so many things happen for myself that by the time the year ended, I could sit back, exhale and say "Yeah bitch... You did it." Like this blog. On December 31st, I was DETERMINED to sit my ass here at this screen EVERY DAY even if just for a few minutes to write about my day. That's it! Nothing crazy, nothing hard and I'm HERE ANYWAY! And still.... nope. The diet. SO revved up about that. Ready to close the chapter and blow people away and shut them the hell up. Yeah... Lasted ABOUT four months and then... poof. I had a system with so many extensions... Then they started to disappear. To disintegrate into nothing. Then I reverted back to bad habits and became pissed at myself for dropping the ball. Had I stuck with it, my GOD what a difference I would see.. Then thinking like THAT makes me feel horrible. Jobs.. That's a weird one too if I do say so myself... I still do my photography when I have the time and sitter and I've even taken on the role of being a virtual assistant. Yeah. We'll save that story for some other time.. Where I live.. It's like a fucking high school and if it were up to me, the prom queen wannabe would just choke and disappear already. (That will also have to wait.. lol interesting and irritating as fuck all at the same time..) Yeah.. people are ridiculous. The school year is almost over, it's already hot as Hell outside, it's almost time to see my family and in-laws. I really wish I could have a selection of filters to use in the real world. Just a quick screen to step into to make everything seem picture perfect. Sadly though, it's not a possible thing. (YET). Aye, aye, aye.. I know, "SO MANY PROBLEMS!"
I really want the summer to just fucking fly. Bring on the fall! Dead leaves, Halloween, cool breezes, pumpkin everything...  But no.. For the next two weeks, I'm going to be.. enslaved. The last chance to buckle down in hopes of shutting down any bad thoughts or vibes others want to cast in my direction. I don't need luck. I don't need a miracle. I just need to focus on being the one to say "Yeah bitch... You did it." We'll start with the next two weeks and by the end of the year, I'm determined to have a "YEAH BITCH!" party.. Also, another time... ;)    Thanks for soaking up the madness that is this puddle of problems. LOVE YA!

-SuperMom