I really wish I could do things better than I do... Everything I seem to take on (AND THAT'S A LOT) has some kind of restriction. I swear, at times I have the attention span and patience of a gnat.. It's not good. Like this.. Had I sat down EVERY DAY and dedicated even 15 minutes to writing this blog, I would have HUNDREDS of posts by now and drawings to accompany them. I would have enough to transfer to a book.. Instead, I let my weak and restless times either take over or I get another great idea that I HAVE to do before coming back to this one.. It's exhausting BEING me some times.. I can't imagine what it must be like for the ones around me. Like my husband.. It's about to be my birthday in a few days.. This year, without me saying anything, he got me a gift. It was something I had talked about years ago and have wanted for some time. In fact, when it got in, he was so excited, he wanted me to open it early. Two weeks early. It was a Mother's ring with our daughters birthstones on it... Really? Not a word or hint from this girls mouth and BAM! See, because I used to be this crazy and selfish shopaholic who's turned her shit and outlook around, I don't really DO that much for ME these days. Not only do I not really shop anymore, I've also come a LONG way as far being patient.. Seriously, I am THE most impatient person probably in the world so for ME to say that.. It's BIG. I would've been fine with waiting to open his gift but he wasn't having it. I think he realizes the big changes and wants to spoil me a little bit for my birthday... I'm going to get another tattoo in two days... It's a good one. What's the saying? Good things come.. something, something, blah, blah, blah... Yeah. Never believed it and yet, here I am.. I really wish I could have the "What women want" power to hear his thoughts about me.. Screw it, I would like that gift so I could hear EVERYONE'S thoughts about me... Terrifying... Or as my best friend conjured up... Karafying! (That WILL be on a shirt one day, I promise. I may be the only one in the world wearing said shirt but still....) I'm fairly certain I have a good idea already of what runs through peoples mind but it would still be fun. Imagine the depths of the could be conversations... To say their thought seconds before they do... Good or bad.. The looks I would get... It would be interesting.. And because I'm not all kittens, sugar and sunshine... I KNOW there would be some negative vibes at times. Which is crazy when you think about it because I know some people who find (at least they've said..) to find the lack of those qualities mixed with my actual ones to be quite refreshing and rare. We get one life. I spent a good chunk of that living for other people...In the end, not worth it. If I can live making someone else happy while I'm not entirely happy... Well that's just not living. So I adjusted. I live for me. Of course there are extensions of me that are covered in there, my kids.. my husband.. But anything that could be a regret or anything in my life these days, is because of ME and MY choices. Like that tattoo I talked about... It's definitely not my first.. or my second... OR my sixth... But they're mine just like the new one will be... My dad still gives me crap about them. "Defacing" he says.. Yeah, yeah.... "A lot of people regret getting them later when they're old..." Do you know what I'll think of when I look at them when I'm older? That I went through life with my own thoughts and actions. I will see the decisions that I myself made once upon a time. There isn't one of them that doesn't mean something to me. I guess I can see where tattooing the KFC colonels face on your ass may turn into a regret later down the road... But that's not the case for me. Anyway. He doesn't hate them enough to let it affect our relationship thankfully. He knows, understands and accepts that I'm a stubborn, bull headed psycho probably like the rest of the people in my life.. A jagged little puzzle piece that doesn't really fit and at the same time, fits in perfectly most of the time... It's a crazy thing. My kids are now asking me (repeatedly) to play Monopoly, so I guess this is the wrap up point for now. What do you think people think when they're around YOU? It really makes you wonder if you just stop and really think for a minute. On that note, you should never really CARE, but you know... Still would be interesting. ;) Happy Tuesday!
-SuperMom
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Back again...
I won't even try to explain my absence. Life. That's all I can say without writing a book... Life... And as I sit at this screen typing this here and now while one of the worst headaches I've ever had tries to pierce through my skull.. That's all I can think about.. Life and a dream I had about it.. How I live.. How I've lived.. Things I've changed in order to be able to be a better version of myself. More responsible.. More capable.. More reliable.. Then I think of others in my life. In every aspect.. Friends... Family.. Some who will always view me differently.. Some who not only never let me crumble, but also never changed how they've viewed me. There are ones who support me, constantly. And ones who only reach out when they need things from me. I've discouraged people while I've inspired others.. I've become a liability where others find me even more valuable.. It's a crazy tilt a whirl.. Life. The worst part, is that I still feel like at times there is a heavy hammer over my head just waiting to fall and break me. It's like even though I try so hard, other people I know can be however they want and I can't say anything about their imperfection ways because I have no judgement platform to stand on. If anything, I'm standing in a hole looking up. Inching my way toward the surface but not yet out. Dreams.. Instead of babbling, I'll paint a picture for you of what my dream was, as close as I can that is... and maybe you'll grasp my babbling a little bit better..
I was walking down a sidewalk as the sun was setting. I was by myself listening to a song that I love. Ironically enough, I had listened to it repeatedly when life was at it's hardest point and I would cry listening to the words before I hit repeat. Now that those times are gone.. I blare it and sing along because now that I have a different perspective, it too has a different flow.. Anyway.. walking alone.. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something even though it was small in comparison to other things and suddenly, something hard and sharp hit my shoulder. I grabbed my shoulder and pulled a bloody hand away from the cut that now resided in my skin when I saw a sharp, pebble filled, jagged rock in front of me. Etched in the side of this pointy piece were the words "Not good enough". As I stood there with my shoulder stinging trying to figure out what I was looking at, another rock flew into the middle of my back with enough force to knock me down to my knees. The second rock had words too. "Because of you." With tears rolling down my cheeks, I stood up and turned around to see where they were coming from when I noticed a tall dark figure standing on a balcony of house that had appeared to be made entirely of glass. The glass glowed red against the sun and the silhouette of the creature on the balcony looked like a rigid monster. As I stared and cried, the thing bent down, picked something up and hurled it right at me. Another rock. I jumped out of the way before it could pierce my face. The rock said "Failure". I picked up all three rocks and felt fueled by pain and rage and all I wanted with every ounce of my being was to hurl the rocks back in its direction and smash the glass kingdom to pieces. Even though I wanted to... I didn't. I didn't believe the writings on the rocks but I knew that even though it stood in a glass house throwing stones... I lacked the right to throw them back. Instead I dropped them. The thing picked up another piece probably expecting me to run. I didn't. Instead, I took a step forward. Staring at it without so much as one blink. Another step. Then another. The arm of the beast that was up and ready to launch slowly crept down until it hung by it's side while I looked up at it while being as close to the balcony as I could be. "I could smash this house. I could eliminate everything you are. I could destroy you.. but I won't." With that, I turned and walked away. I was expecting a boulder to crush me from behind, but nothing else came. My tears had dried and I no longer felt the pain of my sore spots. I made it past where the stones were once piled but they were gone. I stood there for a moment and took a deep breath before turning around to stare at the thing once more. When I turned.. It was gone. The creature. The house. The only thing there was the still setting sun. I realized something as I stood basking in the warmth... Even though I have things that are nowhere near perfect about myself, I KNOW that and more importantly, I'M doing something. I cannot dwell on the imperfections of others, even if they do look at me through a very judging scope. I continued walking and listening to music while smiling..
I don't know any perfect people. I know some great people and I knew some great ones who have changed to other things.. But I can't let their rocks make me fall. I swear to you, sitting here and typing all of that made my head feel a LITTLE better. And makes the rest of me feel better too. Hopefully the next post won't make you think "WTF...?" But hey, it happens..
Have a good night.
-SuperMom
I was walking down a sidewalk as the sun was setting. I was by myself listening to a song that I love. Ironically enough, I had listened to it repeatedly when life was at it's hardest point and I would cry listening to the words before I hit repeat. Now that those times are gone.. I blare it and sing along because now that I have a different perspective, it too has a different flow.. Anyway.. walking alone.. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something even though it was small in comparison to other things and suddenly, something hard and sharp hit my shoulder. I grabbed my shoulder and pulled a bloody hand away from the cut that now resided in my skin when I saw a sharp, pebble filled, jagged rock in front of me. Etched in the side of this pointy piece were the words "Not good enough". As I stood there with my shoulder stinging trying to figure out what I was looking at, another rock flew into the middle of my back with enough force to knock me down to my knees. The second rock had words too. "Because of you." With tears rolling down my cheeks, I stood up and turned around to see where they were coming from when I noticed a tall dark figure standing on a balcony of house that had appeared to be made entirely of glass. The glass glowed red against the sun and the silhouette of the creature on the balcony looked like a rigid monster. As I stared and cried, the thing bent down, picked something up and hurled it right at me. Another rock. I jumped out of the way before it could pierce my face. The rock said "Failure". I picked up all three rocks and felt fueled by pain and rage and all I wanted with every ounce of my being was to hurl the rocks back in its direction and smash the glass kingdom to pieces. Even though I wanted to... I didn't. I didn't believe the writings on the rocks but I knew that even though it stood in a glass house throwing stones... I lacked the right to throw them back. Instead I dropped them. The thing picked up another piece probably expecting me to run. I didn't. Instead, I took a step forward. Staring at it without so much as one blink. Another step. Then another. The arm of the beast that was up and ready to launch slowly crept down until it hung by it's side while I looked up at it while being as close to the balcony as I could be. "I could smash this house. I could eliminate everything you are. I could destroy you.. but I won't." With that, I turned and walked away. I was expecting a boulder to crush me from behind, but nothing else came. My tears had dried and I no longer felt the pain of my sore spots. I made it past where the stones were once piled but they were gone. I stood there for a moment and took a deep breath before turning around to stare at the thing once more. When I turned.. It was gone. The creature. The house. The only thing there was the still setting sun. I realized something as I stood basking in the warmth... Even though I have things that are nowhere near perfect about myself, I KNOW that and more importantly, I'M doing something. I cannot dwell on the imperfections of others, even if they do look at me through a very judging scope. I continued walking and listening to music while smiling..
I don't know any perfect people. I know some great people and I knew some great ones who have changed to other things.. But I can't let their rocks make me fall. I swear to you, sitting here and typing all of that made my head feel a LITTLE better. And makes the rest of me feel better too. Hopefully the next post won't make you think "WTF...?" But hey, it happens..
Have a good night.
-SuperMom
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Dear "Stranger"
Dear "Stranger",
I'm writing you to fill in some questionable gaps you may have or may be wondering about. For starters, I write a blog. Granted, I've been slacking more than writing it lately, it's still a thing of mine. Feel free to go back to previous posts and get your fill of madness that is my time. As you know, I have three kids but we'll get to that in a few. Like I told you, I am not mad that we lived apart as it would've most definitely changed my present. The life I have now is a gift in itself aside from the things we do actually have common. Obviously I can't replay EVERY event or memory for you, but I can give a good little run down. Keep in mind, you do NOT need to read this whole thing in one sitting. First, here are some things I love...
The beach, margaritas, Pepsi, being tan, shopping, Game of Thrones, pumpkin spice anything, horror movies, video games, being the boss, photography, Walking Dead, Halloween, sleeping, hot tubs, KFC, Samsung, painting, dessert, Bob's Burgers, comfy clothes, boots, black purses, the color black in general, tree swings, spa days, silver jewelry, chocolate, Dallas Cowboys, slot machines, creepy stuff, Stephen King, wine, personalized gifts, roller coasters, Tim Burton and music. (Of course there are many many more things but this seems like a good jumping off point)
The beach... When I moved away from home, it was first to North Carolina. We were 10 minutes from a small little inlet to the ocean. It wasn't that wonderful and so we'd always make the trip (45 minutes) to the actual ocean beaches. Every time, we'd pass a huge shore store where the entrance was inside a giant shark. I loved body boarding. It was always somewhat nerve pinching while you were sitting on the board just bobbing further and further away from the land... Not knowing what was swimming near or under you while you waited for any kind of wave to take you back to the sand. I've only seen a shark once but that was at the crappy beach and thankfully, we were just walking on the docks... Back to the good beach. We have seen many crabs, washed up jelly fish, even a rotting sea turtle once. (Yeah, pretty gross... poor thing..) I've scooped up SOOOO many shells AND shark teeth. That's my favorite thing to hunt for at the beach.. shark teeth.. Amazing creatures to me. There was one time body boarding that scared me though... My husband and I were out in the water at the same time. Side by side until he drifted behind me. The wave was coming, I was ready. I thought that I had caught it and he had missed it BUT instead... he was ABOVE me. Yes, the wave he caught was taking him over my head... and then it crashed on top of me. My board got stuck in nose first in the sand and because I was attached to the board by my wrist, my body wriggled like a caught fish while the tidal waves rolled over me. I tried like hell to claw the strap off of my wrist but I was stuck and sucking in salt water the entire time. It burned and hurt. Eventually I was able to get free and shoot out of the water finally gasping for air... The scariest part... I was 5 months pregnant with our first daughter at the time... That was the last time I got on a board for a while. I love everything else about the beach (except the way my hair feels after I get out of the water.. gross...) but I will always remember that one day I could have drowned...
Margaritas... Can't say TOO many bad things about this. I mean... they're fucking delicious! Frozen peach is my all time, hands down favorite. Frozen strawberry is probably second and then good ole lime. God it sounds so good right now... There are all kinds of drinking stories but who doesn't have a ton of those...
Pepsi... Yeah. Regular.. None of that diet shit. Diet Pepsi is LIKE Pepsi... If that Pepsi has been shaken for 10 minutes and left out in a car for 3 days... YUCK!
Being tan... yeah yeah.. I've been to the tanner... cooked myself in the sun. I love it. It's not nearly a high priority to me these days but.. a good tan covers up a lot of flaws you know? Almost like a semi permanent foundation ALL over. Ahhh... yeah... Sadly, I'd probably outshine Casper these days.. yikes... This is making me sad, moving on... lol.
Shopping... What girl doesn't like shopping? Shopping in my twenties got me in a lot of trouble. Big. You'd be amazed (at least I was) at how many stores and companies were willing to just GIVE me credit cards. Like.. A lot of them! Want something? Don't have the cash? Just slide THIS! Cha-Ching! And then... interest... credit scores.. limits.. I know I'm not the only person to fall into the hideous gap of credit card misuse and debt... It still sucks. All that stuff.. If I had just waited, I could've had the stuff AND more vacations but instead... interest... I'm happy to report (not like a YAY! HAPPY but.. a responsible type "Happy") that I am now a reformed shopaholic who has quite a few cards GONE. I'm still working (HARD MOST DAYS) but I feel so much better. So much more like a (brace yourself..) "responsible adult". So yeah... shopping....
Game of Thrones... WHOA... Here we go... I don't know if you watch it but let me just say.. if you don't do it... DO IT! I was one of those people for the longest. I'd hear people ALL THE TIME gab about GOT and I was always like "and...?" Finally, after it had been out for five seasons, I decided to sit down and watch the very first episode... Meh. That was it. Nothing GRIPPED me to immediately turn on the second... I turned the TV off and went outside. However... Three weeks later on a cold, rainy, shitty, nothing to do kind of day there happened to be NOTHING on TV whatsoever and so I decided... why not. Done. I watched two episodes without my husband and I was HOOKED! I made myself stop so I didn't jolt too far ahead of him. He was iffy about it because, like me, there was no major HOLY SHIT factor for him. I begged him to watch and thankfully.. BOOM! HOOKED! We blasted through season after season... Addicted. Tyrian, FAVORITE! I finally got what all the fuss was about and was now able to jump right in to random surrounding GOT convo's going on around me. AMAZING. Seriously, watch it.
Pumpkin Spice... The list goes on... Candles, sprays, desserts, shakes. It's all good. GOOOOOOOOOOOD... I love me some pumpkin season!
Horror movies... So, to be honest, I love scary movies. The problem.. There aren't any... I don't know if it's because I'm THAT numb to it or what but they're all pretty predictable or very try hard and lame. Even still... There are several that still get my approval. Old school slashers of course and psychological thrillers.. good stuff.
I hope this gives you a tiny glimpse into someone you're sure you don't know. We'll wrap it up for now. If you would like to know more... you know how to ask.
-SuperMom (Just another face on the street..)
I'm writing you to fill in some questionable gaps you may have or may be wondering about. For starters, I write a blog. Granted, I've been slacking more than writing it lately, it's still a thing of mine. Feel free to go back to previous posts and get your fill of madness that is my time. As you know, I have three kids but we'll get to that in a few. Like I told you, I am not mad that we lived apart as it would've most definitely changed my present. The life I have now is a gift in itself aside from the things we do actually have common. Obviously I can't replay EVERY event or memory for you, but I can give a good little run down. Keep in mind, you do NOT need to read this whole thing in one sitting. First, here are some things I love...
The beach, margaritas, Pepsi, being tan, shopping, Game of Thrones, pumpkin spice anything, horror movies, video games, being the boss, photography, Walking Dead, Halloween, sleeping, hot tubs, KFC, Samsung, painting, dessert, Bob's Burgers, comfy clothes, boots, black purses, the color black in general, tree swings, spa days, silver jewelry, chocolate, Dallas Cowboys, slot machines, creepy stuff, Stephen King, wine, personalized gifts, roller coasters, Tim Burton and music. (Of course there are many many more things but this seems like a good jumping off point)
The beach... When I moved away from home, it was first to North Carolina. We were 10 minutes from a small little inlet to the ocean. It wasn't that wonderful and so we'd always make the trip (45 minutes) to the actual ocean beaches. Every time, we'd pass a huge shore store where the entrance was inside a giant shark. I loved body boarding. It was always somewhat nerve pinching while you were sitting on the board just bobbing further and further away from the land... Not knowing what was swimming near or under you while you waited for any kind of wave to take you back to the sand. I've only seen a shark once but that was at the crappy beach and thankfully, we were just walking on the docks... Back to the good beach. We have seen many crabs, washed up jelly fish, even a rotting sea turtle once. (Yeah, pretty gross... poor thing..) I've scooped up SOOOO many shells AND shark teeth. That's my favorite thing to hunt for at the beach.. shark teeth.. Amazing creatures to me. There was one time body boarding that scared me though... My husband and I were out in the water at the same time. Side by side until he drifted behind me. The wave was coming, I was ready. I thought that I had caught it and he had missed it BUT instead... he was ABOVE me. Yes, the wave he caught was taking him over my head... and then it crashed on top of me. My board got stuck in nose first in the sand and because I was attached to the board by my wrist, my body wriggled like a caught fish while the tidal waves rolled over me. I tried like hell to claw the strap off of my wrist but I was stuck and sucking in salt water the entire time. It burned and hurt. Eventually I was able to get free and shoot out of the water finally gasping for air... The scariest part... I was 5 months pregnant with our first daughter at the time... That was the last time I got on a board for a while. I love everything else about the beach (except the way my hair feels after I get out of the water.. gross...) but I will always remember that one day I could have drowned...
Margaritas... Can't say TOO many bad things about this. I mean... they're fucking delicious! Frozen peach is my all time, hands down favorite. Frozen strawberry is probably second and then good ole lime. God it sounds so good right now... There are all kinds of drinking stories but who doesn't have a ton of those...
Pepsi... Yeah. Regular.. None of that diet shit. Diet Pepsi is LIKE Pepsi... If that Pepsi has been shaken for 10 minutes and left out in a car for 3 days... YUCK!
Being tan... yeah yeah.. I've been to the tanner... cooked myself in the sun. I love it. It's not nearly a high priority to me these days but.. a good tan covers up a lot of flaws you know? Almost like a semi permanent foundation ALL over. Ahhh... yeah... Sadly, I'd probably outshine Casper these days.. yikes... This is making me sad, moving on... lol.
Shopping... What girl doesn't like shopping? Shopping in my twenties got me in a lot of trouble. Big. You'd be amazed (at least I was) at how many stores and companies were willing to just GIVE me credit cards. Like.. A lot of them! Want something? Don't have the cash? Just slide THIS! Cha-Ching! And then... interest... credit scores.. limits.. I know I'm not the only person to fall into the hideous gap of credit card misuse and debt... It still sucks. All that stuff.. If I had just waited, I could've had the stuff AND more vacations but instead... interest... I'm happy to report (not like a YAY! HAPPY but.. a responsible type "Happy") that I am now a reformed shopaholic who has quite a few cards GONE. I'm still working (HARD MOST DAYS) but I feel so much better. So much more like a (brace yourself..) "responsible adult". So yeah... shopping....
Game of Thrones... WHOA... Here we go... I don't know if you watch it but let me just say.. if you don't do it... DO IT! I was one of those people for the longest. I'd hear people ALL THE TIME gab about GOT and I was always like "and...?" Finally, after it had been out for five seasons, I decided to sit down and watch the very first episode... Meh. That was it. Nothing GRIPPED me to immediately turn on the second... I turned the TV off and went outside. However... Three weeks later on a cold, rainy, shitty, nothing to do kind of day there happened to be NOTHING on TV whatsoever and so I decided... why not. Done. I watched two episodes without my husband and I was HOOKED! I made myself stop so I didn't jolt too far ahead of him. He was iffy about it because, like me, there was no major HOLY SHIT factor for him. I begged him to watch and thankfully.. BOOM! HOOKED! We blasted through season after season... Addicted. Tyrian, FAVORITE! I finally got what all the fuss was about and was now able to jump right in to random surrounding GOT convo's going on around me. AMAZING. Seriously, watch it.
Pumpkin Spice... The list goes on... Candles, sprays, desserts, shakes. It's all good. GOOOOOOOOOOOD... I love me some pumpkin season!
Horror movies... So, to be honest, I love scary movies. The problem.. There aren't any... I don't know if it's because I'm THAT numb to it or what but they're all pretty predictable or very try hard and lame. Even still... There are several that still get my approval. Old school slashers of course and psychological thrillers.. good stuff.
I hope this gives you a tiny glimpse into someone you're sure you don't know. We'll wrap it up for now. If you would like to know more... you know how to ask.
-SuperMom (Just another face on the street..)
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