Why can't I F-ING sleep?

For years I've been someone who dreams rather vividly at times. It doesn't matter if the dream is good... bad.. weird.. sad.. More times than not I am very much a part of what is happening even if I'm not IN it. Lately I've been having weird sleeping interruptions. I go to bed at 12am, wake up at 3 to pee and lie there for 40 minutes trying to find the right position, temperature, breathing rate.. It hasn't helped that I've had some sad and scary dreams within the few hours I am able to keep myself asleep. "Don't eat after 8pm" I've heard... Tried that, don't buy it. "Never watch creepy things before bed" To be completely honest, I swear I sleep BETTER after watching some kind of psychotic creep show or horror movie. Maybe that satisfies the inner mental person, I don't know. "Go to bed early" Well... here's the problem with THAT logic. My days are filled with random work tasks, getting ready for my kids to go back to school, getting my toddler ready to one day GO to school and everything else. By the time "bed time" swings around (finally) that is what I call my "ME TIME". Where I can take a bath.. read a book... watch a show NOT produced by Disney.. play a video game.. NOT answer 17,000 questions.... It's MOM time. I think I try to get the most out of it which causes me to get less sleep which eventually screws with the sleep I do get... But you would think if I'm going to bed late and having to wake up early, I'd be EXHAUSTED by the end of the day and eventually just crash... Right? Some times I make myself go to bed earlier. Not very often but still.. On those nights though I usually get the weird stream of dreams or the need to wake up for the bathroom or a drink. Never at the same time of course. Last night I had a sad a dream and after waking up, found out it wasn't that far off. That has messed with my mind a little bit all day. I've tried to distract myself by doing things with my kids and even doing some Halloween stuff which helped but I'm now left kind of blah.. And here it is.. soon to be bed time.. Will I go to sleep? Nope. Why? I don't want to fall into a messed up sequence. I really wish I could bring myself to sit my fucking ass at this screen like I've set out to do so many times and put it all in here.. The goings on of the day.. dreams.. nightmares.. chaos.. happiness... My life. Another thing I think about during my me time that doesn't help me fall fast asleep. I just needed a moment to get blurb out of my head and onto this page. So many great ideas.. Why the hell can't I just do them all.. Have a good night everyone. I will sit down with my first bit of caffeine today and chill I think. (I know... "No wonder you can't sleep....") I hope you all do the same. Until next time.

-Super Mom