Good morning!
I can say that genuinely because compared to last night, it's already a great morning... I didn't eat anything crazy, watch anything scary... I cried before bed. For the past few weeks I've held in any kind of falling apart-ness and apparently... last night the dam broke. It was a mixture of things from past and present that just overloaded all at once... For a small window of time, I felt alone, helpless, and pissed at myself for allowing that to happen. Anyway... By the time I climbed into bed, my eyes were swollen and stung, my head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and my skin felt like it was on fire. I threw my clothes on the floor, turned the fan on, and pulled the blanket up to my face as a bed time formality more than anything else. It didn't take long, thankfully, for me to drift off completely. That's when it all started....
WARNING: HORRIBLE DREAM. I'M SORRY.
***I was standing at the sink putting dishes in the dishwasher when a sharp pain hit the pit of my stomach out of nowhere. I fell to the floor doubled over gasping for breath while wrapping my arms around my belly. It felt like I was being stabbed and burned at the same time... All of that was in my stomach. Eventually I passed out and like any horribly predictable movie, the sink started to overflow. When my husband got home and found me, he cradled me while freaking out and begging me to open my eyes. I did after a few minutes. He asked what had happened and why I was sleeping on the floor. "I... I don't know." And I didn't. Apparently (like a crappy movie) I had completely forgot that I felt like I was being ripped open... I stood up, started reaching for a towel to get the water cleaned up but before I could grab it, my husband grabbed my hand and led me to the couch where I could lay down and rest. I did. After a few hours (I'm guessing) of sleeping on the couch, I woke up to a dark room.. All alone.. and with a surprise... My belly was hard and I looked like I was five or six months pregnant.. I started breathing hard while trying to understand what the hell was happening. I was freaking out because I assumed that my husband would be angry. (He never has been and I doubt, in reality, he would be.. however... dreams...) We live in a three bedroom house that we rent and already have three children. The youngest isn't even two yet! How? Why? Those were thoughts that were spamming my mind when the pain started again. It was even worse this time. After a few minutes of leaning against a wall and trying to withstand the throbbing, piercing pains, I started to feel a warm rush down my legs. Without looking, I felt my right thigh with my hand before lifting it up to see.. Blood. Lots of blood. It wasn't stopping and neither was the pain. As crazy as it seemed, my belly started losing size slowly. It was like I was a blood dispenser and I was running out. I started screaming and my knees buckled sending me to the floor with a giant thud. As I fell, I heard a faint voice that was angry and full of hate screaming at me.. "Why would you do that!?! This is all your fault! I'll never forgive you for anything!" It was hard to tell at first but I figured it out, it was my husbands voice. Then of course.. I was out again. When I opened my eyes, the room was bright and different. And this time, I remembered. EVERYTHING. I frantically felt at my stomach. The belly was gone but the blinding pain and burning feeling was still there. It was like I had been ripped open and left to die on a table. I wasn't on a table but I was in a hospital room.. It was as big as my house. I was in a bed next to a tiny table and the only other thing I could see was a tiny clear box with an IV pole beside it. I thought that's what it was. It was hard to be sure because it was on the opposite side of the giant room. I pulled myself up enough to where I was sitting up as painful as it was. Slowly, I swung my legs off the bed so I could eventually go inspect the only other thing in the room. When I stood up, I glanced at the walls... All white. There were three giant blinding lights on the ceiling and the weirdest thing.. There were no windows.. and no doors.. I was scared, hurt and morbidly curious to see what I'd find in the box. I crept towards it trying to ignore everything else. As I got closer, I realized it was an incubator and inside.. was a baby. A tiny little baby hooked up to wires and IV's and monitors. I was about ten feet away when I stopped. Not because I wanted to, but because there was something STOPPING me, not letting me get any closer. Out of nowhere, a piece of glass was between me and the box. I started pounding on it, trying to break it and get to what I assumed was my baby. There was a loud BANG and all of a sudden, the baby side of the glass got completely dark. There was one cry (that sounded more like a creature than a baby) and another loud noise when the light came back on.... before it went off again, I saw a glimpse of the box, the wires and IV stand were gone and the only thing I could see in the box before it was engulfed in darkness again, was blood. I screamed and started to feel the warm feeling down my legs again. I turned around away from the glass still screaming and crying hot tears that burned my face when I was face to face with my husband. I stopped screaming. All I wanted to do was hug him and have him hold me again. I felt like I was in a loop of terror or the main person trapped in a horrible prank. He held one arm out to gesture for me to come a little closer while the other arm was tucked behind his back. I didn't think anything of it and took the few steps to close the gap between us. At the time I had reached him, his hidden arm swung around with a big knife in his hand and he buried it into my belly. My belly that was big again like I was extremely pregnant. I couldn't breathe. I started shaking as my eyes scanned his face with a pleading look of "Why". He took the knife out and jammed it in again. I didn't even scream. I couldn't. Tears kept streaming and I could feel my life draining out of me. He started screaming as he followed my body to the floor still stabbing me over and over again. "Why would you do that?!? This is all your fault!! I'll never forgive you for anything!!" The only noises coming from me were choked gurgles of me choking on my own blood. I couldn't move. He stopped long enough to go to the dark side of the room where the box was. He picked it up (apparently the glass was only there for me..) and walked back to my almost lifeless body. I could see through the clear box and there was no more blood. It's like the box had changed into an over sized crystal clear brick. He lifted it over his head and said "You did this" before he slammed it down on my face.***
Needless to say I woke up gasping, sweating and ready to start crying again. I got up, went to the bathroom, wiped myself with a cold cloth and dug out a left over pregnancy test in the cabinet. Yes I used it, no, I'm not pregnant. I know it was a dream but it was one that was so graphic and full of hate. It scared me.. ME. I sat on the side of the bathtub for about twenty minutes just thinking about it. How horrible.. and why? My eyes still burned from my cry fest before bed, I didn't want to start it all over again in the middle of the night. I know it was bad and I'm sorry if you now see me as a psychotic monster. It has yet to slip away from my mind and I thought that writing it out would help it dissolve faster. Welcome to my nightmare. One of many.. Good news is, it won't be night again for HOURS. Have a good Tuesday everyone. I'm sorry if I've made it blah for you so early!
-SuperMom
No comments:
Post a Comment