A few weeks ago I started looking up horror movies soon to hit theaters. Because I am so warped and psychotic, movies don't really "scare" me. My friends however.. can become very much afraid which makes me, the psychotic depraved one, happy. So I stumble upon The Witch... Of course trailers are going to show the highlights and there are some varied reviews about how menacing and horrific it is. "I feel like it's something we shouldn't be seeing..." and other things like that had me thinking.. "Hmm.. Maybe..." So once it finally came out, I started trying to get a group of girls together to go. I had some yes's and maybe's but when it came down to the actual night of the flick, there was only one. Yes.. the same beloved friend from my circus story who is wonderfully scared even thinking of horror movies. We met at Chili's an hour before the show and enjoyed a nice icy blueberry and pineapple margarita with some apps. I had joked about her buying my ticket for the movie after having an obnoxious laugh fest as I paid my side of the bill. She said ok even though we both knew I was kidding. Out to the cars and off we went. We make it to the theater down the road ten minutes before it starts. Since we drove separately, and she was the first one in the lot, she got a close spot to the door and I had to drive around all the way to the opposite end. When I saw her hurrying to the ticket booth, I screamed out my window "Don't buy my ticket!!!!" I hurry up and parked and while cursing her name because I figured she ignored me and bought the damn thing, I looked up and saw she was running, yes running, back to her car... I clutched my purse and sprinted for the ticket booth. I made it there and wheezed "Two for The Witch" while fumbling for my card. She was running back to me yelling "Don't do it!" but it was too late. The lady and other employee in the ticket bubble were laughing as she handed me the tickets and my card back. I spun around and laughed. Apparently, she left her wallet in the car. "That's what you get for not listening" I said as we walked inside. We hit the bathroom, skipped snacks and headed to the ticket taker. The kid who was about 16 taking tickets said something like "Second door on the right". I looked at him and said "Have you seen it? The Witch?" He answered "No, but I heard it sucked..." My mouth fell open. "Seriously? If that's true then we're coming back out here and sneaking into Dead Pool ok?" He laughed and after I confirmed that I was serious, he said "I don't know anything... don't see anything, don't know anything.." "Good!" I said. My friend and I laughed and walked into the theater. "He's probably too young to understand it" we both agreed. There were two other people in there giving us MANY options for seating. We picked our favorites and waited for the show to begin. A few minutes later a mini mob of 8 or 10 people came in and sat behind us a few rows (thank God. I hate it when there are TONS of seats open and someone comes and sits either right BESIDE you or BEHIND you. Actually, even in FRONT of you is pretty damn annoying.) The lights finally dimmed and the show was beginning. I knew going in the that the whole time frame was going to be blah. "Please don't be like The Village..." I thought to myself. Personally, I don't really like old timey New England, old English films but again... I was in it for THE WITCH! I read reviews and everything... I was in for a good movie and if not that, at least I could watch my friend be freaked out. Ok... There's a family of six standing in front of a jury type situation. Dad, Mom (who's quite pregnant), a teenage girl, a boy whose about... 10? and then a set of twins - girl and boy who are around 6ish.. Pretty much they're telling their little community to f*** off and that they are leaving to their own place because blah.. false beliefs.. Blah.. God.. blah. So they leave. They make it to a bare spot in the country next to the woods and claim it their new home. Flash forward to a farm and a few built buildings (house, little barn, etc.) and the mom breast feeding the new baby. Farm chores being done... The twins singing a weird song about Black Philip who is the black horned goat they have... The boy glancing at his older sisters chest... And so on. A few minutes later, the mom asks the daughter to take the baby so she can get some work done. The girl takes the baby to a spot not too far from the woods, lays him down and starts playing peek-a-boo. She says "There you are" all of two or three times before she looks down and sees the baby is plain GONE. She hears some kind of footsteps in the woods leading her to believe that something had come and taken the baby. The next scene is the baby laying on a table naked while a disgusting hand touches his face and then chest before pulling away and coming back with a knife. The screen dims and opens back up to a woman, a witch, using a wooden pole to grind something up. Apparently it's the baby. She starts smearing blood on herself and walks out to see the full moon. That's it. Then it goes back to the family with the mom sobbing and the dad telling the son that since they've searched for a week (a lot of jumps like that...) and haven't found him, that he even if he had been ok, he would now be gone due to hunger or wolves... The boy gets a great idea to go in the woods himself but the older sister (who heard her parents say she would go work for a family as a trade for food or money) goes too. They come across a menacing little rabbit who simply sits and stares at them. The sister gets thrown off a horse and knocked out while the boy tries to chase the rabbit for food. (Mysteriously, the farm crops all started dying and apparently they were running out of food..) The boy ends up getting lost and coming across a young woman with big breasts and starts to walk toward entranced... They kiss... Back to the sister who is now waking up and hears the father yelling both their names. She claims to not know where he was... The mom (and the twins) start calling the girl a witch and blaming her for cursing the farm and so on... meanwhile, the twins continue talking to the black goat and saying they saw a witch take the baby.. The boy is found standing next the fence completely naked and brought inside. They lay him down, cut a slit on his temple and collect the blood in a bowl...? He eventually regurgitates a whole apple before babbling on about finding the one... blah, blah, blah... Then dies. While he's spouting off his ramble, the twins go into some kind of seizure before they both pass out. The sister says they're witches, the mom says the daughter is... And the dad did what any father would do.. He locked the three remaining children in a barn with the goats by nailing boards across the doorway... That's happened to all of us and you know it! Anyway.. That night they hear noises... The mom has a vision or rather hallucination of her two dead sons and walks over and picks up the baby. "You're hungry" she says smiling while unbuttoning her blouse.. She starts to breast feed the baby and the scene goes back to the barn where a scary old lady, a witch... is eating the belly of one of the smaller goats.. Cut scene back to mom who is now laughing enjoying feeding her baby which is ACTUALLY a crow pecking her nipple off... Yeah... The morning comes, dad gets up, goes outside, sees smaller goats slaughtered with their guts laying out beside them, no sign of the twins and sees his daughter. Right as he's about to apologize, BOOM! He gets rammed by the black goat, Black Philip, and starts coughing up blood. He gets rammed a second time which sends him into his wood pile where wood, of course, starts to fall on his body. The daughter screams.. The mom comes outside, sees it all, is more convinced than ever that it's the daughters fault and she's a witch so she starts to strangle her. The girl grabs a small gardening trowel or something like it and starts slashing the mother. The mom dies.. The girl eventually shoves her to the side before going inside and laying her head on the table and falling asleep.. for the whole day. She wakes up, it's night, she goes outside where the freaky goat is waiting.. she follows it into another building and starts to ask if the goat actually DID talk to the twins like they said. After a some time without anything, you hear a mans a voice (the goat who is the devil..?) and he says that she can have whatever she wants... Blah... She takes off all of her clothes and walks with the goat into the woods where they soon come across six other naked ladies dancing and screaming around a fire before they all start to float in the air. She makes her way to the fire and within a minute, she herself starts to float. THE END! So, to be clear, we saw a witch with the baby, one make out with a young boy and one eating a goat.. Those were the HORRIFIC scenes with witches? BOOOOOO!!!!!! The credits started rolling and I didn't want to stand up confirming it was ACTUALLY over! What a let down! And another shot, the kid taking tickets was RIGHT! I didn't even get to have the thrill and delight of watching my friend get scared because her face was just like mine through the whole damn thing. It fluctuated between, COME ON and WHAT THE.... I told her I was glad I bought her ticket and sorry for making her go. The best thing to come out of that night besides the company.. Was the MARGARITA! My circus trip was more horrific than this piece of trash! Of course that is only my opinion (and I'm PRETTY sure it's my friends as well..) Hold out for the Conjuring 2 if you're wanting effects or at least some jump scares... This movie gets a big thumbs down and I'm seriously considering adding Movies to my story categories... We'll see. Do yourself a favor and see anything else if you're wanting to go!!! Happy Thursday guys and girls! -Super Mom
