A dream is only as real as you make it...

Some time ago on here I wrote a post about having a dream that involved my grandfather. He passed away from cancer when I was right around 15ish. In my dream at the time, he didn't speak but smiled at me. It's fuzzy now and honestly I'd have to re-read the post to get it right I'm sure. Last nights dream however... is very clear right now.

     I was reading through an email on a park bench. I was the only one on the bench and the one across from me was empty completely. As I scrolled through this email, I started to cry. It was more than just a rejection notice from the literary agency I had submitted to, it was a horrifying break down. The gist of it was that there was no way a highly rated firm was going to pick up and carry a piece of no talent trash like me that peddled out meaningless notes that are far from worthy to be printed in an actual book. (Rough right?!? Assholes...) I cried and when the email was read fully I reeled my arm back and chucked my phone over the bench across from me where there was now an old man sitting. Thankfully, it whizzed past him. "Oh my God! I am so sorry! I didn't think anyone was there, I was really into my message, I am so, so sorry." The old man smiled at me and said "Not a problem, no harm done." His voice was so familiar... He didn't have a phone but instead picked up a newspaper and held it in front of his face to read. On the back, where I could see, were the obituaries. And three names over with his picture and all... My grandpas name. Without moving the newspaper out of the way, he spoke again and I couldn't help but stare, frozen. "Some times things seem bigger than they are. Some times we just need to step back and realize that a dream is only as real as you make it. If it were easy to do, it wouldn't be called a dream, but instead a routine. You're bigger than a routine my dear. I know you believe in things and even fewer people. But never forget, the one you have to believe in the most... is you sweetheart. Just because a door slams in your face, doesn't mean it's gone. It means you power through it again or find another door."
          More tears continued to fall as I heard my grandfathers voice tell me all of those very true things. It was almost like he was hiding in plain sight and needed to tell me that as I was getting a door slammed in my face. As if not to "out" him, I sniffled and said "Thank you for all of that. If my grandpa was here next to me, I feel like he'd tell me the same things. Thank you, sir." With that, the old man folded up the paper, stood up, smiled at me while tipping his hat and then walked away. I sat there wishing I could've hugged that man. But he was gone. I stayed on the bench watching the sun set before I woke up.
    Waking up from that, it was hard. Hard to know that I couldn't call him up and tell him about it and even hard to repeat yet again, that it was all true. I can't let obstacles stop me from what I want to do. If one route gets completely blocked, I either bulldoze my way through or find a better way. It seems shorter written down but oh so vivid in my mind.. I wish I could hug him.. It's crazy that that was more than half my life ago.. Crazy stuff. Have a great Wednesday guys. Sorry it's not longer but I had to share it before it was gone. :)

-SuperMom

So "Momager" is a thing and I'm one of them...

While roaming around the house, gathering the remains of dinner, I found myself thinking of tiny little things... Things that had nothing to do with.. ME. The first thought was 'I'm so glad I got him coffee before he ran out' and the next was 'I have to schedule Bailey's well child visit' and so on.. By the time I got to cleaning the microwave (you know that thing you don't like to do especially if it wasn't YOUR can of exploding red ravioli sauce that MADE the mess..) I thought 'Holy shit... I'm the manager of this whole freaking place. If I died today, my family would be screwed without me! I am a legit momager!' As my little scrubber made the same repetitive circles, my mind drifted off to what all I ACTUALLY do around this joint and all the people I serve all day.. every day.. every week.. week after week.. I have a husband who works 11 hour days 4 days a week.. on third shift.. I have a 3 year old.. a 9 year old.. and a 12 year old.. All girls.. What I do for my husband on an average day.. a working day I should say... Quiet control (did I say I had a 3 year old.. yeah... fun stuff..) so he can sleep through the day, making sure he's always stocked with shampoo, toilet paper, shaving cream, razors, cologne, glasses wipes, chips, water and anything extra. Dinner time is when he gets up before he goes to work.. The 12 year old... Making sure she's on track at school while dealing with middle school drama, hormone control (or lack there of), fun monthly chats, chores, homework, did I say puberty? Yup.. Then there's the 9 year old.. She's the sleepwalker from previous posts (go read!) and she's a wannabe slick and smooth little criminal with handfuls of drama and possibly a touch of hypochondriac... She will be the one that keeps me on my mom game.. Always straddling the line. No.. Standing on the line while holding her leg over the bad side of the line... Anyway, she wants to act like the 12 year old while the 12 year old wants to believe she's an adult.. Attitude? There's PLENTY to go around here... The 3 year old just became obsessed with Barbies. I mean it... obsessed. As in Mom (me..) had to play for TWO HOURS today! When we're not doing THAT... It's trying to get in sync with counting, writing and the damn alphabet she does not like... Grrr... She'll recite a book back to me and we can read for hours but seriously, trying to get her to sing the ABC's... I get to H and she goes "that's enough.." Really kid? So playing school teacher and barbies AND doing the daily house garbage... Yup. There are things I don't like to do of course but, in order to stay sane, I do them.. Mopping floors is one that drives me crazy. Dishes of course but that is one thing that landed on the kids' chore charts (NOT by accident..) and then there's.. laundry. One day (while sorting laundry) I was stupid enough to come up with laundry math.. Let me warn you, IT SUCKS! I do my laundry once a week. There are some occasions where I stretch that to 10 days even.. I wash and dry then sort through everyone's crap and the older girls take care of their own, the youngest "helps" (on a good day..) and I take care of mine and my husbands.. Let's use the 10 days for this fun math I'm about to ruin you with... I have a family of five... So in 10 days assuming my family each wears ONE outfit a day (which is usually NOT the case!), I should expect 50 shirts, 50 pants, 100 socks and 50 pairs of underwear... Socks included, that's 250 articles of clothing! I mean... DAMN! It's enough to make you want to just say "NOPE! I'm DONE!" Washing the clothes isn't the irritating part to me thankfully. It's the putting away that's annoying as shit. This goes here, that goes there, this gets ironed, this gets hung, this drawer, that drawer... GROSS. It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't things too which sucks. I'm sure my husband would put them away no problem... But uh.. WHERE he would put them.. that's the thing that would probably bug me. I'd have to be the one standing there saying "In that drawer, hang, fold.." and if I'm going to be there doing THAT, I might as well DO IT and get it done a hell of a lot faster. It's just like putting the dishes in the dishwasher... I swear they just throw them in leaving random spaces and gaps all over just to mess with me. Tetris people! Fit them in!!! It's just crazy to realize how much I keep things.. GOING. I can't remember the last time I asked anyone in my house where something is... On the other hand, just yesterday I myself was asked the following things.. "Have you seen my notebook?" and "Where's the thing you use with the play doh?" (right... the thing...) and even "Did you move my other shoe somewhere?" What? You know, yes, yes I moved your left shoe but left your right one so we could make getting ready to leave on time a game... NOOOOOOOO.... I have to be aware, alert and conscientious about everybody's everything all the time... The momager... Not just some Hollywood spun name for reality quacks who produce fame whores. It's an actual thing. It covers ALL the bases I guess... It's the umbrella over the actual multitude of occupations I have in my home. Driver, cook, maid, teacher, counselor, lawyer, planner, accountant, librarian, historian, decorator, baker, photographer, hazmat crew, garbage collector, mediator, doctor, author, mechanic, officer, host, warden... Good God... I'm sure there's more.. We get ripped off a little bit don't we? There are no sick days to cash in.. vacation days? What the hell is that? No complaint box mounted on the wall... Yet. Hmm... That may be a project actually... Mom's complaint box... It can be locked with the little slot and everything... Through the week I drop in my complaints and then unlock the bastard box on Sundays and go through my torrid weekly gripes.. Oh my... It was a joke but now... Hmmm.... PROJECT! All of these thoughts in here just kinda hit me on an off day where it seemed like everyone was having their OWN off days and for some reason it's always up to ME to make everyone all chipper and perky while I'm thinking "Leave. Me. Aloooooooonnnnnnneeeeee!" on the inside.. No one else in this joint can do the job. Not even super dad. Could you imagine your husband or boyfriend doing everything you do? Probably not and do you know why? Because you'd be hovering making sure they're doing everything RIGHT. I would be anyway... Yet another damned if you do... AND if you don't... What a pile of..... Well, I guess my steam has dissipated somewhat thankfully. Thanks for hanging in there! Have a great Tuesday creeps. And I mean that in the best way. :)

-SuperMom

Silly, silly feelings..

When you're alone with thoughts of different things and you just happened to have a computer nearby... Things tend to happen.. Sometimes they're wonderful things.. and sometimes.. They're like THIS.. Oh feelings.. Silly, silly feelings... 

I'm not a freaking backup, I'm not some little baby doll...

Not someone you want to mess around with. no, not AT ALL...

I can help you fix your problems unless they always stay the same...

If you don't ever change it, then honey you're the one to blame...

I bet this comes off harsh, not harsh it's truth,  this ain't a game...

Remember when I tell you this, this girl won't fall for shit, remember here's the name.

K like in Kinda kicks a lot of ass, if you get in my face yours will be pushed down in the grass

A like an angel that crawled straight up right outta hell, who probably knows more than you would ever tell

R like a raging ranting hurricane.. Not giving any fucks cuz she knows they're all insane

A like amazing, truly an amazing find, amazing as a psycho bitch who can also be quite kind

K-A-R-A

Say the letters every single fucking day

K-A-R-A

Not everyone can be made this way

K-A-R-A

I don't really care what you will say

K-A-R-A

That's the end now GO AWAY!

GOOD NIGHT.

-Super Mom

Why, oh why can't there be a...

Why can there not be a cheat code in life to help us get what we want? There isn't a game you can play that you can't rig in your favor at least 75% of the time... Remember playing the Sims? You hit Ctrl+Shift+C... type in MOTHERLODE then BAM! $50,000... just like that! Or Willy Wonka with his reach into the TV and pull out a candy bar... How cool would it be to see a commercial on TV for SOME kind of food and all you have to do is say "Why yes, I will take that over cooking!". Then just reach right in there and GRAB IT. Done. That my friends, would be pretty fucking amazing. Do you know what I want? I want to write. I want to take this collection and many more obscure, funny, not so funny, horrific, sad, HELL YEAH! stories and mash them together into a book with the doodles in there as well.. For the first time, I am starting to take steps to make that happen... I'm sure it will take many, MANY steps after plenty of fall downs..But you have to start somewhere... A few days ago, I decided I was going to start BIG. Why not shoot for the moon? I sent in a "query" to a literary agency in New York.. This is an attempt to possibly one day acquire an agent of my own. Because not every ass-wad can stroll into any big name known publishing house, the agent is the middle man who makes that possible connection.. possible. To start, I had to send in a paragraph describing myself and what I like to write about... That's it. No examples of workings.. no websites... Just describing myself. I had to write that and pick ONE agent out of a handful of agents to send it to. Should that agent see it and become intrigued with ME, he will then reach out to me to actually see some of my writings or manuscripts.. Should he then like THOSE as well... A contract is signed between myself and MY agent. He then would proceed to disperse my manuscript to the publishing houses and when one of them (or more) decides they want it, I make the choice and BAM! Author... Rewinding to what will probably be the way it actually goes... The agent will sift through my submission along with thousands of others and find he's not at all intrigued with the ME part.. in which case, 30 days will drift by without any words at all before I can start over again. I've been told to go the self publishing route and even e-book it on Amazon.. "People around the world could buy it!" Though that may be true.. Amazon has what.. 7 BILLION e-books on there... It would be nice to be able to be out there enough to where people aside my mom and best friend would support me and buy it. It sounds weird and it will be more than a frustrating process... I also haven't breathed a word of this to my husband. I'd rather hit him with some CRAZY fantastic news some day instead of lingering "what ifs..." So if you know me and you see him.. ZIP IT! ;) If only MOTHERLODE worked in real life... If only... It's not easy to follow your dreams when they're being hauled off on a bullet train... It's not impossible either though... I'll keep you posted... Smile guys... It's only Monday...

-Super Mom

Yesterday was my birthday guys!!!

Some times... Some times I wish that I could take my problems and actually pack them into a pickle jar. That includes people. Yeah... I could shrink whatever it was in my life that was irritating me, close it up in a jar and set it up on a shelf until I felt like it was time to release it back into the world. It could even have a tiny little air hole. I mean I'm not a COMPLETE monster... Where is this coming from? What pissed me off enough to start this post with the wish of being able to put people and things into jars? Let me start by telling you that yesterday was my birthday...
To be honest, I'm glad the week is over. The highlight? Getting my tattoo with my best friend by my side while talking shit and laughing. It was a gift to myself. Something I had wanted for a while that really meant something to me. (Take your two seconds to scoff or judge if you must, I don't give a fuck. It's MY body so... yeah....Are you good? Okay!) That was great. We even got to witness an idiot kid (maybe 17..?) freak out over getting his first tattoo done at the same time. Though he didn't cry or pass out like we were hoping for.. It was still fun to watch and listen to. Later in the day, I was taken to dinner, given a few gifts and even was surprised with a bad ass killer cake (in the photo...) along with a drink or two. It was all fun and good. The only off part was right before I entered my house. My friend who lives across the street let me know that the frat boy wannabe of the neighborhood had some things to say and even though we haven't spoken to him in months (MONTHS) it involved ME. What drives me crazy about where I live... It reminds me of Wisteria Lane mixed with High School.. with a dash of.. Jerry Springer? maybe that's not accurate all the time but still. Basically, everyone has eyes on people and assume to know things that frankly... they don't. At first, this place seemed quiet and quaint... Everyone helps everyone and they're all so friendly. Then I actually started to size people up myself. You know, like they were (and are..) doing to me. It's not crazy that I don't want to be the super host to neighborhood gatherings. Why would I? To me, a good percentage of the people will smile in your face and start talking shit before they leave your driveway. Why in the HELL would I want to waste my time entertaining people like that? Oh yeah... I wouldn't... There are a few decents thankfully but still.. Look, I didn't put up with that trash while I was IN high school... and I sure as fuck am not going to deal with it now. I'm fine with being the outcast. If it means I don't have to sift through peoples bullshit, so be it. It sucks that it came out when it did after such a fun day and that it has turned me off from even the thought of neighborly junk for a while. I can only imagine the other THINGS that come up when I drive by or check my mail. Hopefully I can just keep my reputation of being an obnoxious bitch to keep me from listening to any more of the trivial crap some people have to spout. This chick has no interest in trying to win everyone's vote for prom queen. Sorry. NOT SORRY! The positive notes though because of course there are some.. I spent my birthday eating cake, hitting a few stores with my girls and taking them to check out some boat docks and fishing spots for some future casting. Add that with my Facebook and Twitter pile up of Happy Birthdays! and Love you's! and it ended up being an okay day. My husband had to work that night but we were able to celebrate early thankfully. (And remember the ring... Good birthday that just happened to be noticed for more than just the one day..) Another cool note was the fact that my gamer guys (3 guys I've played video games with for like... 7ish years now..) also wished me Happy Birthday and played games as long as I wanted. It was fun and I laughed my ass off which was an amazing way to close it out. Aside from today being April fools day, it was also Easter. No.. I didn't attend any services or public egg hunts... My kids had their own here and got to partake in the finding of goody boxes. (I don't really like the whole basket thing... they're usually ugly or get broken quickly... I'd rather buy something they will use in their rooms and cram it full of goodies. You know what? They loved it. #MomHacks) We painted flower pots and planted flowers as well as running outside, playing with bubbles, more painting, games, etc. It's been a great and beautiful day. Today was the first day in a few that I've been blissful the entire day. :) I hope all of you had a great day as well. Happy Easter... and better yet... HAPPY WALKING DEAD DAY!!! (Oh yeah baby, it's on tonight... 9pm. WATCH IT!) I guess that is all for now. Have a good evening!

-SuperMom