I've been editing and sorting wedding photos for a few hours today and honestly, my eyes need a break. Since I'm here anyway, I'm going to let you in on yet another creepy ass dream I had last night between wake ups... You're welcome... Here we go..
I had put my kids in bed hours after my husband left for third shift. I picked up dinner stuff, put up the little bits of this and that scattered around from the day and even sat down and played a few games in the silence of my ME time. The house was quiet as I put my controller away and started turning lights off. TOO quiet for me.. I shook my head before I had the chance to psych myself out. By that time I was TIRED. I got in a warm shower, got out, got dressed and pranced over to the bed where only the bedside lamp was the source of any light. I hit the remote so the fan would turn on the lowest setting, snuggled right in to my big plush comforter and adjusted all three of MY pillows. My own little nest... Once I was completely comfortable, I reached for the light and turned it off. It didn't take long for me to be pulled into dreamland. I woke up to a faint chimey like music.. I sat up thinking it MUST be in my head... It didn't stop. I looked at my phone.. Black screen, no music. It was getting a little louder before it hit a constant sound and then it was gone. I got up and went to the window. Surely I must've been imagining that. I looked at the clock. It was 2:39 AM. It sounded like an innocent ice cream type chime but come on..". it was 2:39 AM! I pulled the corner of the curtain back just far enough to where I could peek out into the darkness. The only streetlight near my house had burnt out two days earlier, figures. I strained my eyes to make out SOMETHING that could've made the noise. It couldn't have left.. it sounded so close before it just stopped. As my eyes scanned the blackness of the night, they stopped towards my mailbox. Parked at the edge of the road, right near my mailbox was what looked like...an ice cream truck. What the... I could feel my heart start to beat faster.. I slowly backed away from the curtain and attempted to quickly find my phone without turning on the light. Why would it be there? Why right THEN? I tried taking deep breaths as I dialed my husband. (I know right, my husband before 911? Idiot... But, dreams... ) After seven long rings, the voicemail picked up. DAMN IT! I tried once again. Seven rings.. voicemail. By now the deep breaths weren't even trying to happen. The doors are locked.. The doorbell has a camera. The camera! It can see things at night! I pull up the app so I can access the camera from my phone. Connecting... connecting... Black? I hit the speaker button to see if I can hear anything since there must be something wrong with the video. As soon as I do.. I hear something. Something breathing. RIGHT NEXT TO THE CAMERA! Something was out on my porch? What?!? As I took one step still watching the black screen, suddenly a face backed away from the camera and came into focus. It was like the blackness was the pupil of it's eye. I could only make out part of the face. The body was cloaked in black that matched the rest of the night. "I thought you'd never wake up. I have something for you." It was the deepest voice I had ever heard outside of a movie and it was talking to ME! I gasped, stepped back and dropped my phone. "Uh uh uh... No noises.." I heard my face down phone say.. All of a sudden, my ringtone blasts at top volume. My husband is calling! I try to answer to get it to stop but the screen is stuck on the camera. The thing on my porch with it's black eyes and large mouth starts to smile and it's body, what I could make out anyway, starts to twitch and sway. "I'm going to need you to open the door now..." The voice was a different pitch all together.. I tried desperately to close the camera so I could call the police and stop my husband from calling but it was stuck. I couldn't even restart it. Meanwhile, the ringtone blares as my husband (who is now probably worried as hell) continues to call to see what's going on and the whole time, the thing on the porch changes its voice telling me to open the door... it has something for me. Then my daughter starts to cry for me. Everything got quiet. The thing on my phone stopped moving it's body and started to bring it's face closer to the camera again. "Open this door." I tried to sneak past the front door to get to her and as I approached it I heard the thing on the other side of it.. "Open this door, open this door... Or children, your children you will have no more." It was loud and repeated again and again and again. I went to my husbands safe and pulled out a pistol. I loaded it and went back to the front door. The rhyme went again and again. Tears of anger and pure fear ran down my face as I held the gun up to the paneled door.. Then it stopped. I waited and listened.. Nothing.. Then I heard the chime music again. Breathing heavier than ever, I ran to my window to peek to see what I hoped would be the truck driving away. It was gone. I scanned hard to make sure. My face was close to the glass when out of nowhere BAM! The thing was right there, face to face with me. Separated only by a panel of glass. "You'll never sleep again..." It smiled bigger and bigger until it's skin started to rip apart from it's mouth.
AND THEN I WOKE UP!
It was really weird... and a little bit creepy... Do I check my camera at night? Sometimes.. Did I after that dream? HELL NO! I did look out the window briefly and thank GOD the streetlight was actually ON! I believe there's something wrong with me.. Now that that's out of the way... Good night! And sweet dreams everyone!!!!
-SuperMom
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Did you ever wonder...
I really wish I could do things better than I do... Everything I seem to take on (AND THAT'S A LOT) has some kind of restriction. I swear, at times I have the attention span and patience of a gnat.. It's not good. Like this.. Had I sat down EVERY DAY and dedicated even 15 minutes to writing this blog, I would have HUNDREDS of posts by now and drawings to accompany them. I would have enough to transfer to a book.. Instead, I let my weak and restless times either take over or I get another great idea that I HAVE to do before coming back to this one.. It's exhausting BEING me some times.. I can't imagine what it must be like for the ones around me. Like my husband.. It's about to be my birthday in a few days.. This year, without me saying anything, he got me a gift. It was something I had talked about years ago and have wanted for some time. In fact, when it got in, he was so excited, he wanted me to open it early. Two weeks early. It was a Mother's ring with our daughters birthstones on it... Really? Not a word or hint from this girls mouth and BAM! See, because I used to be this crazy and selfish shopaholic who's turned her shit and outlook around, I don't really DO that much for ME these days. Not only do I not really shop anymore, I've also come a LONG way as far being patient.. Seriously, I am THE most impatient person probably in the world so for ME to say that.. It's BIG. I would've been fine with waiting to open his gift but he wasn't having it. I think he realizes the big changes and wants to spoil me a little bit for my birthday... I'm going to get another tattoo in two days... It's a good one. What's the saying? Good things come.. something, something, blah, blah, blah... Yeah. Never believed it and yet, here I am.. I really wish I could have the "What women want" power to hear his thoughts about me.. Screw it, I would like that gift so I could hear EVERYONE'S thoughts about me... Terrifying... Or as my best friend conjured up... Karafying! (That WILL be on a shirt one day, I promise. I may be the only one in the world wearing said shirt but still....) I'm fairly certain I have a good idea already of what runs through peoples mind but it would still be fun. Imagine the depths of the could be conversations... To say their thought seconds before they do... Good or bad.. The looks I would get... It would be interesting.. And because I'm not all kittens, sugar and sunshine... I KNOW there would be some negative vibes at times. Which is crazy when you think about it because I know some people who find (at least they've said..) to find the lack of those qualities mixed with my actual ones to be quite refreshing and rare. We get one life. I spent a good chunk of that living for other people...In the end, not worth it. If I can live making someone else happy while I'm not entirely happy... Well that's just not living. So I adjusted. I live for me. Of course there are extensions of me that are covered in there, my kids.. my husband.. But anything that could be a regret or anything in my life these days, is because of ME and MY choices. Like that tattoo I talked about... It's definitely not my first.. or my second... OR my sixth... But they're mine just like the new one will be... My dad still gives me crap about them. "Defacing" he says.. Yeah, yeah.... "A lot of people regret getting them later when they're old..." Do you know what I'll think of when I look at them when I'm older? That I went through life with my own thoughts and actions. I will see the decisions that I myself made once upon a time. There isn't one of them that doesn't mean something to me. I guess I can see where tattooing the KFC colonels face on your ass may turn into a regret later down the road... But that's not the case for me. Anyway. He doesn't hate them enough to let it affect our relationship thankfully. He knows, understands and accepts that I'm a stubborn, bull headed psycho probably like the rest of the people in my life.. A jagged little puzzle piece that doesn't really fit and at the same time, fits in perfectly most of the time... It's a crazy thing. My kids are now asking me (repeatedly) to play Monopoly, so I guess this is the wrap up point for now. What do you think people think when they're around YOU? It really makes you wonder if you just stop and really think for a minute. On that note, you should never really CARE, but you know... Still would be interesting. ;) Happy Tuesday!
-SuperMom
-SuperMom
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Back again...
I won't even try to explain my absence. Life. That's all I can say without writing a book... Life... And as I sit at this screen typing this here and now while one of the worst headaches I've ever had tries to pierce through my skull.. That's all I can think about.. Life and a dream I had about it.. How I live.. How I've lived.. Things I've changed in order to be able to be a better version of myself. More responsible.. More capable.. More reliable.. Then I think of others in my life. In every aspect.. Friends... Family.. Some who will always view me differently.. Some who not only never let me crumble, but also never changed how they've viewed me. There are ones who support me, constantly. And ones who only reach out when they need things from me. I've discouraged people while I've inspired others.. I've become a liability where others find me even more valuable.. It's a crazy tilt a whirl.. Life. The worst part, is that I still feel like at times there is a heavy hammer over my head just waiting to fall and break me. It's like even though I try so hard, other people I know can be however they want and I can't say anything about their imperfection ways because I have no judgement platform to stand on. If anything, I'm standing in a hole looking up. Inching my way toward the surface but not yet out. Dreams.. Instead of babbling, I'll paint a picture for you of what my dream was, as close as I can that is... and maybe you'll grasp my babbling a little bit better..
I was walking down a sidewalk as the sun was setting. I was by myself listening to a song that I love. Ironically enough, I had listened to it repeatedly when life was at it's hardest point and I would cry listening to the words before I hit repeat. Now that those times are gone.. I blare it and sing along because now that I have a different perspective, it too has a different flow.. Anyway.. walking alone.. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something even though it was small in comparison to other things and suddenly, something hard and sharp hit my shoulder. I grabbed my shoulder and pulled a bloody hand away from the cut that now resided in my skin when I saw a sharp, pebble filled, jagged rock in front of me. Etched in the side of this pointy piece were the words "Not good enough". As I stood there with my shoulder stinging trying to figure out what I was looking at, another rock flew into the middle of my back with enough force to knock me down to my knees. The second rock had words too. "Because of you." With tears rolling down my cheeks, I stood up and turned around to see where they were coming from when I noticed a tall dark figure standing on a balcony of house that had appeared to be made entirely of glass. The glass glowed red against the sun and the silhouette of the creature on the balcony looked like a rigid monster. As I stared and cried, the thing bent down, picked something up and hurled it right at me. Another rock. I jumped out of the way before it could pierce my face. The rock said "Failure". I picked up all three rocks and felt fueled by pain and rage and all I wanted with every ounce of my being was to hurl the rocks back in its direction and smash the glass kingdom to pieces. Even though I wanted to... I didn't. I didn't believe the writings on the rocks but I knew that even though it stood in a glass house throwing stones... I lacked the right to throw them back. Instead I dropped them. The thing picked up another piece probably expecting me to run. I didn't. Instead, I took a step forward. Staring at it without so much as one blink. Another step. Then another. The arm of the beast that was up and ready to launch slowly crept down until it hung by it's side while I looked up at it while being as close to the balcony as I could be. "I could smash this house. I could eliminate everything you are. I could destroy you.. but I won't." With that, I turned and walked away. I was expecting a boulder to crush me from behind, but nothing else came. My tears had dried and I no longer felt the pain of my sore spots. I made it past where the stones were once piled but they were gone. I stood there for a moment and took a deep breath before turning around to stare at the thing once more. When I turned.. It was gone. The creature. The house. The only thing there was the still setting sun. I realized something as I stood basking in the warmth... Even though I have things that are nowhere near perfect about myself, I KNOW that and more importantly, I'M doing something. I cannot dwell on the imperfections of others, even if they do look at me through a very judging scope. I continued walking and listening to music while smiling..
I don't know any perfect people. I know some great people and I knew some great ones who have changed to other things.. But I can't let their rocks make me fall. I swear to you, sitting here and typing all of that made my head feel a LITTLE better. And makes the rest of me feel better too. Hopefully the next post won't make you think "WTF...?" But hey, it happens..
Have a good night.
-SuperMom
I was walking down a sidewalk as the sun was setting. I was by myself listening to a song that I love. Ironically enough, I had listened to it repeatedly when life was at it's hardest point and I would cry listening to the words before I hit repeat. Now that those times are gone.. I blare it and sing along because now that I have a different perspective, it too has a different flow.. Anyway.. walking alone.. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something even though it was small in comparison to other things and suddenly, something hard and sharp hit my shoulder. I grabbed my shoulder and pulled a bloody hand away from the cut that now resided in my skin when I saw a sharp, pebble filled, jagged rock in front of me. Etched in the side of this pointy piece were the words "Not good enough". As I stood there with my shoulder stinging trying to figure out what I was looking at, another rock flew into the middle of my back with enough force to knock me down to my knees. The second rock had words too. "Because of you." With tears rolling down my cheeks, I stood up and turned around to see where they were coming from when I noticed a tall dark figure standing on a balcony of house that had appeared to be made entirely of glass. The glass glowed red against the sun and the silhouette of the creature on the balcony looked like a rigid monster. As I stared and cried, the thing bent down, picked something up and hurled it right at me. Another rock. I jumped out of the way before it could pierce my face. The rock said "Failure". I picked up all three rocks and felt fueled by pain and rage and all I wanted with every ounce of my being was to hurl the rocks back in its direction and smash the glass kingdom to pieces. Even though I wanted to... I didn't. I didn't believe the writings on the rocks but I knew that even though it stood in a glass house throwing stones... I lacked the right to throw them back. Instead I dropped them. The thing picked up another piece probably expecting me to run. I didn't. Instead, I took a step forward. Staring at it without so much as one blink. Another step. Then another. The arm of the beast that was up and ready to launch slowly crept down until it hung by it's side while I looked up at it while being as close to the balcony as I could be. "I could smash this house. I could eliminate everything you are. I could destroy you.. but I won't." With that, I turned and walked away. I was expecting a boulder to crush me from behind, but nothing else came. My tears had dried and I no longer felt the pain of my sore spots. I made it past where the stones were once piled but they were gone. I stood there for a moment and took a deep breath before turning around to stare at the thing once more. When I turned.. It was gone. The creature. The house. The only thing there was the still setting sun. I realized something as I stood basking in the warmth... Even though I have things that are nowhere near perfect about myself, I KNOW that and more importantly, I'M doing something. I cannot dwell on the imperfections of others, even if they do look at me through a very judging scope. I continued walking and listening to music while smiling..
I don't know any perfect people. I know some great people and I knew some great ones who have changed to other things.. But I can't let their rocks make me fall. I swear to you, sitting here and typing all of that made my head feel a LITTLE better. And makes the rest of me feel better too. Hopefully the next post won't make you think "WTF...?" But hey, it happens..
Have a good night.
-SuperMom